It tasted so good at the time

AHHH! Moving!!! AHHH! Traveling to Pennsylvania!! AHHHHH!! I have no money!! AHHH! How will I get through this week????

I sort of feel...wiped out already. And it's Monday.

To combat this feeling of utter terror and panic I've been eating. For the record, that's not a great life plan. And in the end you feel bloated, fat and panicked. You can add a nice dollop of self loathing/pity/guilt to your panic that way. It's like a sundae of bad feelings. It tasted so good at the time.

I feel like the stress in my life right now is a totally valid excuse for overeating and ignoring my responsibilities. (Aka, I have yet to develop healthy and effective coping mechanisms, so let's stick to what hasn't worked so far, shall we?)

Aaaanyway, I plan to get back on track with life, eating, writing and living when any one thing in my life feels normal again. Seriously, I just packed up my comforter cover...not even my bed feels normal. You never realize how much a comforter cover define and comforts you until it's crumpled up in a pile of things to go to the new apartment. That's melancholy. That's what it is.

So uh, yeah. I'm hanging in there. I've stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, because I can't see it and it's depressing to know you're in a tunnel that's so long you can't see the end. But, soon I'll be at a fabulous wedding, eating food, drinking at the open bar and wishing I'd brought a bigger dress. Yes indeed. Just one week, one red eye and a whole lot of debt stands between me and that reality.

Stand by guys, the updates this week may be sporadic and as crazy sounding as this one.

This photo summed up how I felt. Don't ask me why. Just love them.

Being 12 again?

So, yes. It's been a while. In the last month or so a lot has happened. I'm still in shock a little bit and I don't really expect that there will be a lot of updating in the near future.

Since I last wrote...

• My beloved cat passed away. I still can't really type this without tearing up, so I'm not sure I can say more about it than that. I really loved her. I'd post a picture but then I'd weep uncontrollably. Amazing how cats become such a part of your family. She was 18 years old and it was her time, but I feel a whole lot of empty right now. My other cat (the fat one) is sleeping on my feet, possibly to help ease my sorrow. The feral cats (all 8 of them) are also doing their best to distract me with their spry catliness. But I miss my Cali. Aaand now I'm going to cry so moving on...
  
• I'm moving out. I know, right? Crazy! A goal accomplished. My childhood friend (and by childhood I mean our mothers met in a Lamaze class...so we've known each other since before we were born) called out of the blue and said he was looking for a roommate. Somehow we now have an apartment and we move next week? This induces intense panic in me. I know that I should be very pleased that at last my dreams are coming true, but instead all I feel is guilt at leaving my mom to live alone and panic that I will never be able to eat out again on my tight budget. And now I feel some shame at admitting that that's a big part of why I feel panic. I'm hoping that once we move in I will feel joy and elation rather than fear and unease.
  
• I've been rereading childhood favorites, such as everything Tamora Pierce has written and Harry Potter. Sometimes it's better to live in a different world. There is less panic and grief there. Things can be righted with magic and good generally triumphs in the end. This will all be good research for my own fantasy novel that I hope will one day transport other readers to a place that they would rather be.
  
• I went on an amazing Bachelorette EXTRAVAGANZA weekend in Napa with some of my closest friends. The bride-to-be had an amazing time and so did I. Even if I found myself drunk at 4:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. And even if I later discovered that I had spent $56 on wine. It was good wine. Really. I just don't remember ever considering the price...

So. There you have it. Blogging just had to take a backseat for a while. I've been too busy grieving, healing and panicking. All at once. It's fortunate that I have lovely people in my life who understand that a cat can be like family, that moving out is a really big scary deal and that sometimes we need to be 12 again. And at other times we need to be 21 again.

I will try to blog again soon.