Shake that thing

I just re-read my last post and I can only assume I was bordering on delirious when I wrote it.  Well except that it sounds a lot like my other incoherent ramblings (also known as this whole blog) so I'll try to assume that the internet at large loves it when I sound just a teensy bit insane and/or sleep deprived.

Speaking of insane... my life has been INSANE these past few weeks.  One of my best friends got married this past week, which was fantastic!  And work has been semi-crazy as well.  But mostly I just feel like it's been a whirlwind of family stuff, and friends stuff, and stuff stuff.

Brady and I went to Zumba today, which is something we do every Tuesday now.  It's embarrassing how much better Brady is at Zumba than I am.  Zumba is based on Latin rhythms.  It requires the shaking of hips, the undulating of bodies, and occasionally the very feminine art of shimmying.  And to be really good, it requires attitude.  Brady has the attitude.  And he's surprisingly good at the shaking of the hips and the shimmying.  I'm chalking it up to his Guatemalan heritage.  We Germans just weren't made for shimmying.

Really though, I have to admit that watching Brady shimmy and shake just impresses me.  Somehow it makes him seem all the more masculine, because seriously, how many men are secure enough to take a class with five women and no men.  (Although, considering it's a class where said women shimmy and shake and undulate in time to Latin rythyms, you have to wonder what all those straight men are waiting for.  Not to mention at the last class our teacher asked if any of the girls were single and they all raised their hands (including me, but only because I missed the question and thought the hand raising thing was a dance move)).  I like to think that all the manly men who peered in at our Zumba class on their way to the rock climbing were thinking "Damn, that guy is BRILLIANT!  Dancing with all those single ladies.  And man, he looks great doing it too!  Sign me up!"

Of course, then I remember what I look like doing the undulating body roll move, and I think maybe they weren't thinking he was lucky so much as being tortured.

And now to go to bed before 12 for the first time in DAYS.  I'm more excited than I should be.

So...I've been busy but it's no excuse

It seems like writing about something in my blog is a sure-fire way to ensure I will never do it again. I wrote about being obsessed with budgeting and mere days after writing it, I fell off the budgeting wagon (is that the appropriate use of that analogy?) and overspent like mad. And forget budgeting my food - I've been eating like a starving person... at every meal. I wrote about how I was going to write in the blog more often and then I ceased to write for a month.

But... I did manage to accomplish a few things in the interim. We just concluded the very busy performance season at my work, and so my late nights at work are (hopefully) at an end. Also I did a little reading. Or a lot of reading (I mean, I guess it depends on what you think "a lot" is). I read (in no particular order):

• The Story of Edgar Sawtelle
• Books 1-3 of "The Mortal Instruments" series (Don't judge! Everyone needs some trashy teenage fantasy romance now and then. It was great, especially after that depressing Edgar Sawtelle book.)
• The Hunger Games Trilogy (I'm still recovering - that is one dark series)
• Heir to Sevenwaters (Ok, you can judge me for that one.)

I reccommend all of them, although you should only read the Edgar Sawtelle book if you are in a very happy place and can stand to have your emotions ripped out of you. Also it is a dense book and not an easy read. Seriously, it took all those other books combined to get me over Edgar Sawtelle. I'm only just now feeling like I can read a "grown up" novel again.

In addition to reading some excellent literature I managed to finish all 6 seasons of Doctor Who (no small feat! That's over 70 hours of TV...wait, should I be proud of that or ashamed?) and I'm halfway through Downton Abbey ( I know, I know, obsessed with British TV much Alex?). In my defense it took me several months to finish Doctor Who. Less in my defense, it took the rest of the world 6 years to watch it when it was airing. (!!!New episodes are back on this weekend, so I know what I'll be doing...!!!)

I should add that I was petsitting for my boyfriend a few weeks back, which means I was home alone with a cat for days on end (except when I was at work of course). Then I petsat for my mom for a week after that, which means I was home alone with 6 cats. Suddenly that whole Doctor Who marathon makes more sense, eh? At one point I found myself talking to the cats in a (bad) british dialect as I fed them dinner. At another point I was crying to them about David Tennant's departure from the show. Um, speaking of which, I completely love David Tennant (or at least his portrayal of the Doctor) and want to marry him. Only I can't because he is marrying someone else...who is exactly my age. I was willing to overlook the fact that he was maybe too old for me, but it turns out he wouldn't have had a problem with it. If only we had met. The girl he's marrying is even blonde like me... I am so obviously on the wrong continent.

I just searched images of David Tennant, and it made my whole day. I recommend it. His eyes and his sonic screwdriver (not pictured) are looking into my soul.

In any case, now I am just completely babbling. And also I have a giant picture of Doctor Who on my blog. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life right now.

OOOH except also I started bouldering. At this gym. Go ahead, click that link. Look at the pictures. Recall how coordinated I am. Are you imagining me falling off the rock walls? Because, um, that's really what it looks like when I do it. Over and over. Me flailing to get a grip on the next handhold. Me grabbing the wrong handhold and slipping. Me gripping fruitlessly at whatever is nearest. Me falling backwards off the wall to the sounds of Brady's laughter. But it's so fun! Brady and I have been going together and we've been loving it. Judging by how fit all the hardcore people at the gym are, Brady and I are going to be super hot and skinny soon. Too hot for each other really. :-) If I don't fall off the wall and break my neck. Or decide that maybe clinging to fake rock wall for dear life is maybe not as fun as it appeared to be at first.

In any case, that's my life at present. So you can see why there was no time for blogging. Hopefully I've made it up to you by composing an essay of rambling thoughts for you. You're welcome.

I may or may not be sleep-typing.

Ugh. Today I was at work from 11:30 am to 11:00 pm. Frankly, I barely had the energy to brush my teeth, so I need to just face the fact that I am not going to be able to write a decent blog entry tonight.

I'm going to just be pretty impressed that I got this much up online. You should also be impressed by that.

How is it 12:43? Where does time go?

I'm going to bed. I may or may not blog this weekend. I like to be spontaneous like that. A woman of mystery. And magic. And sleepiness. Aaaand goodnight.

Made Up Rituals and Quests for Happiness: Why Reading is Fun.

I mentioned yesterday that I am reading the book "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.

http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/0061583251

I've noticed that I am always reading these days. It's partially because I commute on a train and that leaves me with lots of time for reading. But it's also because I love to read. I like to read all kinds of books, although I have a special fondness for young adult fantasy. And whatever I'm currently reading really affects the way I think and sometimes the way I live.

For example, last week I was reading an Irish romance fantasy novel, filled with epic prophesies and druids. (I didn't actually mean to buy a romantic fantasy novel actually. I bought it on amazon.com thinking it was a young adult fantasy, but, when it arrived, it quickly became apparent that it was not for children. Still, I loved it.) As a result of this immersive fantasy world, I spent a lot of time trying to get in touch with nature. I had fraught dramatic dreams in which I tried to fulfill prophesies. And I organized an impromptu summer solstice celebration with Brady, which consisted of me and Brady carrying candles out onto his lawn. I tried to come up with a great stirring druid-type speech, but I came up with something like "Thank you for the daylight, thank you for the summer" (which appears to be a variation on my mother's non-traditional and non-religious Hanukkah speech "thank you for the miracles, thank you for the light"). Brady won points for actually going outside with me and not laughing at me (well not too hard anyway).

I haven't finished "The Happiness Project" yet, so I won't write a review (yet...) but I have noticed that reading it has been affecting me. My last few posts have all been about happiness (although, some might argue that all of us are constantly searching for happiness and therefore that's not much of a coincidence). I feel like at the bottom of my posts I should add something like "today's post is in the color of 'Insert the name of the book I'm reading here.'" I've been thinking really hard about the things she says in the book, although none of them are particularly earthshattering, or even very novel (ooh my review of the book is sneaking into this post a little bit) but they make me think. Mostly the book makes me think about how I treat other people and how that affects their happiness and my own.

But probably worst of all, the book makes me say things like "Brady, I read that despite popular belief, people are happier when they do not air their grievances. Holding it inside and not fighting with your significant other is actually a key to a successful relationship!" While that fact may be true, I would like to add my own true fact: one of the keys to a successful relationship is not telling your boyfriend about other people's ideas on how to improve your relationship, especially when at the moment things are going well between you. (Another true fact: rolling your eyes when your girlfriend talks about how to make the relationship better, makes her feel silly and sad. Free advice from Alex.)

So this introspective turn of events on the blog will likely fade as I read new novels. But I was thinking that perhaps I would talk about the books I read now and again. Perhaps to give you more funny example of how reading really touches me on a deep personal level (and makes me stage druid rituals in the backyard. Or this one time I read Jemima J,which is about an obese woman, and I lost 5 pounds through sheer willpower because I was convinced I was huge. I was actually 16 and scrawny). And if no one objects too much, I might review a book or two. Because I have so many opinions bottled up inside me waiting to get out and no one to tell.

Blogging every day is much harder than I ever anticipated. It wipes me out and I never think my post turns out the way I wanted it to. I always feel like I have yet to hit my stride or discover my gimmick. And I often feel like maybe my life just isn't interesting enough to blog about. But I am determined nonetheless.

That's all for me today. End scene.

I like playing pretend and long walks in the rain

Today I walked in the rain (and the fact that it's raining in June sort of just proves that point I made yesterday about how I will never need to wear a bathing suit in northern California so I should just give up on weight loss now). I got off BART and, in an act of defiance, I didn't put up my umbrella. I let myself get wet. And I was really happy about it. It was truly one good thing that I did for myself today. Unlike the ice cream, I didn't feel guilty one bit. I just felt calm and happy and gleeful, like I was breaking a rule that was meant to be broken. And completely in the moment.

I don't know if I ever thought about it before, but walking in the rain is a fully immersive experience. It combines visual and tactile stimulation. The feel of rain on your skin mixes with the look of rain into a fantastic full body experience. (That came out raunchy somehow, which is weird because I just meant that the rain is nice.)

I'm reading a book called "The Happiness Project" and it's all about finding things that make you happy (I have more to say about this book, but that is for a different, more ambitious post). I just read the chapter on how to incorporate more fun into your life and the author suggests that you should do the things you found fun as a child. She then launches into a description of how she used to make collages and scrapbook type projects.

I used to walk in the rain. Or run in it. Or sit in it until I was completely soaked. I used to go out on the trampoline (we had one of those giant ones) and lie down and let the rain hit me. I would watch it bounce off the trampoline. I would jump up and down and the water would bounce with me and it would feel like it was raining up and down. I used to pretend. I told myself stories and acted them out. I was often found talking to myself in the backyard, telling a story. I went to made up lands in my head. This lasted well into my teens. I was a weird kid really. It's amazing, and lucky, that no one made fun of me.

The author of this book talks about how she found other people who shared her interests and started meeting with them weekly. She talks about how she re-incorporated her childhood hobbies into her life. Somehow I find it unlikely that I will find a group of adults like me who like to play pretend and sit in the rain. (Although, I'm sure I could find such a group. I'm just not sure I would want to hang out with people who play pretend. I mean sitting in the rain and talking to yourself are generally signs of insanity. I might end up spending my nights with dungeon and dragons players or groups of role players. Which would be ok, but that isn't exactly what I am looking for. Or I would be spending my nights with seven year olds. Which would maybe be more my speed. But I digress as usual).

Still, today I found my happy place. I felt so completely happy as I walked in the rain, for all of one block, that I forgot all the things that made me upset today.

I was going to post about how the advent of the bluetooth has made it impossible to tell if someone is talking to themselves in a crazy manner or if they are talking on the phone. (Seriously, you only need to get yelled at about Jesus once... after that you cross the street at the first sign of insanity). I had a whole funny speech prepared about the topic. But then I walked in the rain and it seemed like that was actually a better thing to talk about. It's supposed to rain tomorrow too, so I have high hopes for a repeat performance.

Financially Savvy Spaz? Perhaps.

I realize that my last post made it almost sound like I'm being an adult these days. And while I am trying, I hesitate to say that I am in any way successful at adulthood. Yet. For example after spending three days trying to diversify my 401K (not easy! I ended up picking a completely random assortment of investments (funds?), and was absurdly pleased that I had managed to invest in GAP and Apple and absurdly sad that I had not managed to invest in Disney), I had a breakdown and told Brady that I was just too grown up. Brady, in response, made me a feast of pigs in a blanket, spaghetti with meatballs and homemade cinnamon gooey things, which we ate in front of the TV. Also he let me have soda with dinner (which was not allowed when I was actually a child). I also re-read all my favorite young adult books to complete the illusion of childhood. So yeah, no worries. It's still the same old me.

In all honesty, I still can't wake up on time. In the morning I can either be on time to work OR have breakfast, do my hair and make my lunch. Most days I eat instant oatmeal at my desk with my wet hair drying into odd shapes. I cannot dress well, despite the fact that I sometimes spend an hour trying to put together my outfit. I have not yet mastered the art of looking or feeling put together. I still would rather play video games then go for a run. I sleep on the BART train and arrive at work rumpled and with crazy looking hair. I do not eat well, or exercise or write as much as I should. I feel guilty about all of these things. And worst of all, I am starting to realize that the reason I do not eat well or exercise is because deep down I do not want to eat well or exercise. Even though I also do not want to be fat and unhealthy.

So yeah. If budgeting makes me sound grown up, I'll take it. I did diversify my portfolio. All by myself (well and with a lot of online research). I take my successes where I can get them. If I can be known as that financially savvy spaz, that's good enough for me.

I also write great cover letters. And I'm good at editing other people's writing (for style, not for typos). Sometimes I even give good life and career advice. Just don't ask me for fashion advice because I am terrible at getting dressed. (True side note - I am not even good at the act of getting dressed. I spent 20 minutes trying to zip up the back of my dress the other day by contorting into weird and unnatural shapes and I couldn't do it because my arms just aren't long enough to reach. I finally put on another outfit. One with no zippers.)

As I struggle to find a way to appreciate my good qualities (see above) and not beat myself up about my failures (see even further above), I'm learning that a big challenge is figuring out what exactly it means to "do something good for yourself everyday" (which is my new feel-good daily goal). Does that mean eating ice cream and not feeling guilty about it? Or does it mean not eating the ice cream and feeling proud and self-satisfied (albeit hungry and sad as you watch your boyfriend eat his)? This is a question I am really grappling with today, having just consumed both a latte and an ice cream. I sometimes feel like either way I will feel bad. If I don't eat it I feel like I'm letting life's special moments (and delicious foods) pass me by. If I do eat it I feel like I am taking away from my overall lifetime happiness because I won't be stick skinny and good looking in a bathing suit. (Although honestly, I am from Northern CA. When am I ever in a bathing suit?) I'm not so overweight that my health is in danger (in fact, according to my BMI, I am not overweight at all!) so why all this guilt? Why can I not just eat what I want and be free?

And, with that, the blog has officially strayed into the realm of introspective and rhetorical questions, so I will end that now, lest this blog simply become guilt ridden and angsty.

In my next post I plan to discuss the relative dangers of bluetooth ear pieces. So you'll get a break from all this "questing for happiness" stuff. You know, all two of you who still read after my months of prolonged absence from the blogospehere (is that a real word? I think it's one of those words that is really not cool to use, but I'm using it anyway).

I hate thinking of blog post titles...true story

Hello! Sorry I've been gone so long. I was on vacation in sunny San Diego (although, it was actually sort of foggy and misty, but I'm not complaining). I also had a chance to go to Disneyland and ride on the new Little Mermaid ride and the new Star Tours and see World of Color and.... anyway, I've been busy. But I am back now.

I've really gotten into budgeting lately. Like, really into it. I started an account on mint.com to help me manage my money and I got sort of obsessed. Which should come as no surprise to anyone, seeing as I love charts and graphs and being in control. I've started looking at my money every day and assessing my budget goals and thinking about investing. I signed up for this site called dailyworth.com, where they help women be more financially savvy. I activated my workplace 410K. And then I started budgeting my food. I've been a pretty lazy weight watcher, it's true, but I've started tracking again. I'm that crazy person in the grocery store who reads the labels on 50 different brands of tortillas. (This is a true story. Brady dragged me away from the tortilla aisle, saying "Sometimes you have to just make a choice!") I've even started thinking about my time as a budget.

I can't decide if all this budgeting is a good thing or a bad thing.

Budgeting plays into the sort of obsessive control freak side of me. It allows me to feel happier because I am in control. And I have to admit that ever since I started really getting in control of my money, I have felt much more relaxed. Before I had a budget I was afraid to look at how much I had spent because I was sure it was bad. I was vaguely concious of my spending. I always stopped short of overdrawing my account. But I never knew if I had enough money to go on vacation or go to a play. I always figured I probably didn't and then I charged things or spent the money anyway. Now I always know. I look up my finances every day. I try to plan my meals carefully so that I never lose that feeling of control, even when it comes to food.

But see, maybe I shouldn't be feeding that side of me. Because all this budgeting, especially with food, doesn't leave much room for spontanaeity. When someone challenges what I see as "the plan" I freak out. I get agitated. That's why weight watchers goes in waves for me, because people often challenge my food plan. People challenge my budget far less frequently, but when they do my response is usually tears and yelling. So is this really contributing to my overall happiness? Is there a way to plan for spontaniety?

I'm not sure. But I do know that I wouldn't trade in the happiness I find from being prepared for things for anything. So there must be a middle ground somewhere that lets me also be ok with eating out on a whim, spending a little extra on new clothes or shoes and lets me enjoy a book even though it made me go over budget on books for the month.

I think the overarching problem here is that I beat myself up for things. And one of my goals is to stop. And to appreciate. And to do one thing each day that truly makes me happy, even if it blows my books budget or my food plan. But how can you get rid of the guilt that follows? I'm trying to learn to forgive myself. To allow myself to make mistakes. To not look at them as mistakes at all. (Surprisingly, I am way better at bouncing back and forgiving myself when I overspend money than when I overeat. Why is that? Is that significant somehow?)

I have no answers, although I do read a lot of books that tackle this problem of happiness and guilt and everything in between. I'm just not sure if the guilt is a good thing, a reminder that I fell off track, or a bad thing that I create myself for no good reason.

I'm going to continue to ponder this. I'll let you know what I find out. In the meantime I totally reccommend you sign up for mint.com. Despite my weird bouts of budget related guilt, it keeps me going.