Goodbye Citizen Cake...and more

Soooo....I had a cupcake today. It was pretty good. Not as amazing as I sort of hoped it would be. Nowhere near the greatness of the chocolate sandwich cookie, but better than what you can buy at Safeway.

I am so stressed out and excited about my trip I just can't stand it. Basically I feel keyed up and exhausted all at once. It's sort of disorienting.

It was a big day of goodbyes today. We said goodbye to Citizen Cake and then we had a goodbye party for one of my coworkers. Since I've had my job for all of 2 months, I can't say I knew her all that well, but I will miss her. She seemed really nice and she sat right across from me every day. The whole staff went to a great bar called Sugar and the board president bought us drinks. Sugar has amazingly filling free appetizers so I may have chosen poorly. I don't want to confirm that I made bad choices, but I can't deny it either.

Also, I had a gin and tonic because it seemed rude not to. Apparently I have become a lightweight because I was totally tipsy after like 3 sips. And then after finishing the drink I felt exhaustion settle over me.

So basically, I spent the party stuffing my face in an unattractive way, sitting in a drunkenly comatose stupor and making occasional odd, tangential comments. I am so classy. I bet I definitely get a raise after that.

Ok, well you may or may not hear from me this weekend. The last time I tried a mobile post it just didn't work, so we shall see.

Happy Trails!

It is almost Friday!

I am pleased to say I made it through Wednesday.

Did I mention before that Citizen Cake is moving? Currently, I work directly above them, making it hard to resist those magical sweet treats. But tomorrow is their last day in that location. They are saying goodbye Hayes Valley. This is probably very good for my diet, but awful for my spirit. Obviously, this means that there will be some snacking this week. Of a non-weight watchers kind. I admit I had both hot coco and a sandwich cookie today. Because I will never have them again after tomorrow. Well not at Citizen Cake anyway. Please, don't judge. Not unless you have had Citizen Cake's hot coco and sandwich cookie. If you have had them, then feel free to judge. You won't though, because if you have had them, then you know.

On Friday Brady and I leave for a secret adventure. Technically it is not at all a secret for me because I booked the whole thing. But Brady has no idea where we are going. Not for sure anyway. I am crazy excited. More specifically it is a celebration of our second anniversary...which was in October... See, Brady and I started dating on Halloween. I refuse to share an anniversary with a scary holiday that revolves around costumes and candy, so each year I try out a different day to celebrate. This year I am trying out February 27th. I like the way it sounds.

January 4th was a big hit last year, but it was just so close to New Years. I figure I can't go much later than February, or it starts to be too far away from our actual anniversary and then the counting gets all off. I mean really we've already been dating 2 years and 3 months. You know, if you were really precise about that kind of thing. Which I am not...

Anyway, there may be some less than ideal eating going on this weekend, but I think it will be worth it. Plus there will be a lot of physical activity where we are going. I can't really give away any more than that because Brady reads this blog, but I bet there will be pictures when we return.

Eee, I love surprises. Except that I keep wanting to share my excitement with Brady and that would sort of ruin the surprise part.

Anyway, that is all I have to say. I am going to bed early for once so that I don't fall asleep on the BART train and start missing my stop. I barely woke up in time today. Oops.

Night!

Today is Monday...right?

Ok, so I lied when I said I would post more Monday. In fact it is Tuesday. On Monday I was too busy stuffing my face full of delicious fattening food and drink to post on this blog.

I guess I should start by confessing that this week I gained .7 pounds. My favorite part of that is that when I posted my weight on my weight watchers online page it said, encouragingly, "So, you gained a little weight this week. If this is not a surprise to you, then that's ok. Move on and have a great week this week. If this is a surprise to you, go back and look through your tracker to see where you could have slipped up."

Thank you automated Weight Watchers response. I feel pretty motivated for the coming week now. I wonder why I gained though...could it have been the giant Reuben sandwich from Max's Cafe? Yes, I think all .7 pounds came from that delicious pastrami.

Max's has a list of rules posted on their menu. Rule #4 explains it all: "We enjoy the taste that fat adds to corned beef and pastrami. If you want something lean, try the turkey." This is why I am the worst weight watcher ever. I saw that sign, I looked at the whole menu, and I proudly declared "The Reuben please. With pastrami."

As a side note, Max's rule #12 is my favorite: "If you are a single diner and are greeted with the expression, "Just One?" we'll buy you a drink."

Today I did manage to have tea instead of hot chocolate, even though there was a hurricane type thing happening in San Francisco and I wanted cozy foods. I also chose popped potato chips instead of cookies as a snack. The potato chips were sort of a sorry stand in for the croissant I had my eye on, and they didn't come close to the sandwich cookie from Citizen Cake that I wanted more than anything. But as I began to walk to Citizen Cake, lured by the siren call of the chocolate sandwich cookie, I thought to myself, "Wait, really? Who is in control here? What matters more? Is this cookie worth the shame of blogging about gaining weight again next week?" And then I walked away. It was a proud moment. A moment that almost made up for the cheesy gooeyness of the reuben.

Well that is all for me. I am quite tuckered out.

Where does the time go?

Another weekend gone and I have little to show for it. And by little, I mean absolutely nothing. I did sort of think about writing yesterday. And then I watched some more Merlin instead. Seriously though, that show is awesome.

Why is it that BBC comes up with excellent ideas for TV shows, shows that are full of magic and fantasy and talented actors, and in America we must content ourselves with crime dramas? Ok, none of that sentence was fair because in fact I love crime dramas, and in America we have Ghost Whisperer which is all about magic and the next life and all that and which I watch religiously.

Also, I am sure that if I started watching SyFy network (is that how they spell it now? I think it is.) I could probably see all sorts of shows with magic in them. Or I could at least catch reruns of Xena, a show that I have never seen but which seems to sort of fall into that whole magic and fantasy genre. But I think I would be hard pressed to find a TV show in America based on mythical people, given a big budget and put on network TV. With great actors.

I think in the UK there is less of a stigma attached to watching fantasy television. I would certainly understand why. When I was in Scotland everything was so old. There was so much history and lore. And when you live around all those castles and country homes and green hills you have no choice but to believe in history and mythical magical stories.

I remember walking in the highlands in Scotland and I was just absolutely sure that magic existed. No question. I went on a hike to some old ruins and I was standing on what must have been a fortress like a thousand years ago or something and I was overlooking the ocean. And I was ready to start chanting ancient spells. I'm pretty sure it would have worked too, especially if I had been wearing some flowing robes. No wonder J.K. Rowling dreamed up Harry Potter. If she had been in America, he would have come out wrong, but in Scotland it just makes sense.

Nothing in America is that old. Unless you start visiting some old Native American sites (which I will confess fill me with a similar but different sense of magic) you can't find anything that has lasted since the 1300's. There is definitely an earthy magic in America. If you hike up Yosemite Falls, you get a sense of majesty, a feeling that your life is connected to the greater plan. A deep connection to earth can be felt in America, once you get outside the cities and the suburbs. But for some reason, I can't imagine King Arthur in Wyoming. I don't see any sorcerers holding rituals out in Kentucky. America is a land of earthiness. Of vampires that sparkle (oh why Stephanie Meyer, why? I love romance too, and I'm a fantasy addict, but why must Edward sparkle?). I can see us being host to witches and vampires and modern magic. Or people who talk to trees.

But the old magic, the battle for good and evil kind of magic...it lives across the pond. That's where you go to find princesses and princes and great magicians who will battle ancient evils.

So my point is, if you can get your hands on it and you were obsessed with Camelot legends when you were younger (like me), watch Merlin. I do not in any way condone obtaining it illegally (although I am not sure a legal way exists in America) but I love it and I have now watched every episode that currently exists. Oh season 3, come soon!

That is all for me. Tomorrow, tune in to hear the amazing tales of MONDAY!! Also known as, the ramblings of a sleep deprived mind.

I'm not quite back yet

I have had probably the worst week that I can remember having in quite some time. I had a terrible stomach flu at Disneyland a few months ago. This week was sort of on par with that.

The upside of the stomach flu was that it ended and no permanent damage was done.

Isn't that the trouble with words? You can apologize over and over and over again, but the words just don't get undone. Usually I am the one botching up the words, trying to take them back, but this time I'm the one who got hurt. Words don't really mean anything until they get read, or heard. The reader is the one who assigns the meaning. Things that I write can be read however the reader wants to read them. I may be writing with only thoughts of reconciliation in my mind, and if my reader wants to see anger there, they will. It's a mystical thing, and a dangerous one too I suppose.

Funny because I am usually such a proponent of the written word. Here I am wanting to be a writer. I love that when you write you have a chance to edit before you send the words out into the world. I love that you can take the time to distance yourself from emotion, to choose the exact word you meant. But when the written word is used to fight, somehow I guess things go wrong. Meanings get skewed.

The terrible thing about fighting with the written word is that there is an awful trail of words that gets left behind. A written record of every word you wrote in anger, every insult sent your way. It becomes so tempting to hold up that record and scream, look, see, I was just responding to line three of paragraph four. But the truth is, even when a fight is verbal, there are things that get lodged in your mind. Words you cannot ever forget. Words that build fortresses of hurt in your brain. At least when there is a record you can look back later and make sure you didn't make it up.

Or maybe that's worse because its so much harder to forget.

In any case, I have been hurt by words this week. Apologies have been accepted and yet in my head I hear these words. They tell me I am not loved, that I am imperfect, that I am faulty. They tell me that my hardest is not enough. That no matter how hard I try, I cannot measure up to the efforts of others. That my problems, my challenges are easy, that I exaggerate their difficulty, that the people I love are sick of my complaints. They tell me that the things I feared are in fact true. And that my dearest friends believe them.

And what I need to hear are some words that are entirely different. Good words. Loving words. Words to battle those powerful, dangerous words currently in my brain. Silence can hurt as much as words sometimes. More so in some cases because sometimes silence seems to confirm that those terrible words are true. I need to hear the right words from the right people and I cannot.

I feel so shattered that I cannot begin to describe it. I will of course go on, I'm not that shattered. No suicidal thoughts or anything. No one died, except maybe some part of my heart. And I will try to write more funny stories about me failing at weight loss. I will try to put this behind me and write much less self indulgent posts. But something breaks when you doubt things that you once believed were fundamental. Something breaks when you start to really wonder if the people you love, love you back. When a seed of doubt is planted, it grows out of control very quickly. It can only be stopped with more words I suppose.

I wish that I could clear my name, and address my hurts and speak my piece. I wish I could get it all off my chest to the people who need to hear it. But those words would be perceived as petty words or fighting words. And since I am so tired of fighting, this blog post is my only defense and my only outlet.

And so, after a week that left me emotionally battered and possibly heartbroken, and a little hopeless, I am doing what any normal sane person would do...I am watching streaming episodes of the BBC's Merlin online. Oh Merlin, I wish I could be in Camelot battling evil magic. It would be so much less complicated than these battles of words. At least in Camelot you know who the bad guy is.

That's all I can write. I'm out of words.

Just trying to pull myself together

I had a rough day today. All around. Things that seemed like they would be big stress relievers, actually turned out to be stress inducing.

That's all I can really muster up right now. I'm just too tired and sad and worn out to do anything else. Actually I really feel like eating now, but I think that's what we call emotional eating.

I hope tomorrow is better. Happier. Easier.

That's it from me.

One day I will die and be eaten by cats

I have a cat problem. I've never had anything against cats. I've always thought they were nice to look at. It's nice when they sit on you and purr and I can even put up with the way they dig their claws into you when you make them really happy...sadistic? Absolutely. But in a good way...or something. I'm a dog person myself. If I am going to put in the time and energy required to have a pet, I want one that isn't too proud to say "I love you." Or you know, show affection.

My mom likes cats. In the course of my life she has brought two of them home. Sadly they hate each other in a crazy I'm going to kill you kind of way. Much of my teenage years were spent keeping them apart so that Cali wouldn't fly off the handle in a spitting hissy fit. Jewel (she's the fat one I featured in this blog last week) actually seems pretty untroubled by Cali. Honestly, if Jewel wanted to kill Cali, she could. She's huge.

When we moved to our current house, our cats were pretty old and the health problems began to set in. It started with Jewel and her bladder infection of DOOM. I'll try to spare you the gory cat pee details, but let's just say cats avoid the litter box when they have bladder infections. Then Cali went blind. And then she lost a kidney. And I will once again try to spare you the cat pee details, but it 'aint pretty.

Amid the cat pee and the vows never to have another cat ever, a small feral cat walked into my life. Little Ziggy was small when I first saw her walking in our backyard. She looked hungry and cold and I thought, ah ha, I will give her some cream. Little Ziggy was soon joined by another small kitten, a boy named Neon Tiger. The two of them wandered my yard drinking cream and playing cute little games and I thought, maybe, I had been wrong to judge cats so harshly. And then came Tiny Dancer. A small kitten with a freckled nose. Who could turn him away?

As you can see from the photo, their mother soon came to join us. On a whim I bought them little cat dishes and toys. I fell hard for the kittens and in time the whole feral colony. And it didn't seem so bad at first to feed 4 cats. And then when Rusty came along, she seemed so sweet. And then Daddy. And then Whiteface. And then Rocky came from out of the blue, so sweet and small.

One evening, as my mom and I sat on the floor of our living room, watching our feral cats eat, listening to Cali upstairs doing her "pay attention to me now" wail, we realized that with 11 cats, we had in fact become crazy cat ladies.

Our vet has informed me that Jewel needs to get her weight down, and that Cali needs to keep her weight up. I prepare 4 different meals each night for the cats and their discerning palates and I trick Cali into eating 3 pills a day. My mother and I spend our days cleaning up litter and wondering how it came to this.

And then two nights ago a small all black kitten wandered into our yard and began to eat. This cat is not part of our colony, he looks nothing like our family of adopted cats. He is from a brand new feral colony and I bet he has friends. And I realized that I would one day die and be consumed by the feral colony I helped. So let this be a lesson and learn from my mistakes. Resist the big eyed look of the kitten, for kittens grow into cats with bladder problems and high blood pressure.

My mom has been on vacation all week and I have been taking care of our harem of cats, so I may be coming at this from a slightly biased perspective. Spay and neuter your cats.

That's all from me.

(Oh and P.S. We spayed and neutered all those ferals. Just so you know I practice what I preach.)

Another week

I lost 1.9 pounds this week. This is amazing all things considered. Maybe this means I don't get kicked off the weight watchers reality TV show.

Basically I failed at writing this week in every possible way. I didn't write in this blog and I definitely didn't write my book. But I did lose some weight. Maybe in times of great stress I can only really tackle one goal at a time.

I am not really ready to go back to work tomorrow. Something about the long commute just does me in before I even get started. I know I shouldn't complain because I love my job and I love having a job in the arts in an economy like this one. But I really need to focus sometimes on that other goal of mine...the one where I save money and move out. At least its a 4 day week. I can last 4 days.

That's all from me. Time to sleep.

Outlets!

I went outlet shopping today. It was awesome! I have such cute clothes now. On the less positive side that means I wrote nothing today. And also it means I wrote nothing new in my book all week. Please don't look down on me...I promise to do better next week. Things will be on a more normal schedule and I will be a happier person.

Today I tracked everything I ate and I only went over my daily points by two points. I don't know if you know how weight watchers works. I sort of write with the assumption that you do. It's like a game! Well ok, a game that is hard and not that fun. And a game where winning sometimes feels like losing...where is the victory feast?!! You get points each day and you spend them on food, I get 22 points a day. If it helps put things in perspective 1 cup of milk is 2 points. So is a slice of cheese. A slice of bread is also 2 points. See, now it's impressive that I only ate 24 points today isn't it? Since that was a list of all the things I like to eat.

Anyway, I also uploaded a ton of photos to my flickr account. I leave you with this highlight of my recent uploads and wish everyone a happy long weekend! And a happy valentines day if you like valentines day. I'm mixed on it.


That's Brady pushing me off a cliff. In honor of the day.

My life as reality TV

So if Weight Watchers had a reality TV show, it would look like my week. Also I would be sent home after this week.

Challenge One: The Happy Hour Challenge (aka my Tuesday night)
In this challenge the contestant (me) is invited to happy hour with the friends. The menu consists of mozzarella balls, fried calamari, chicken strips, pizza...well you get the idea. And the drinks are cheap. What is a girl to do? Well this girl tried really hard. I researched the menu before I went so that I could plan ahead. I only had two drinks. I didn't eat a single mozzarella ball! I would say that I passed challenge one. (If we ignore the cookie I had during the day...it was a moment of weakness, but not part of the challenge.)

Challenge Two: Pizza and Beer Night Challenge (aka my Wednesday night)
In this challenge contestants must attend a movie night complete with pizza and beer. Yeah, this may have been where my week started to fall apart. While I did limit my pizza intake to 3 slices and my beer intake to one beer, I perhaps failed when it came to choosing the correct type of pizza. The everything pizza with 4 kinds of meat was delicious....and should have been skipped. I shouldn't have had two slices of that one. I should have maybe stuck to the cheese. And maybe I should also have skipped the chocolate that was sitting on the table. I didn't succeed at challenge two.

Challenge Three: The Running Out the Door Challenge (aka my Thursday night)
In this challenge contestants must drive their mother to the airport and eat dinner, with very little time and no food in the house. The solution, eating out. The restaurant selection could have been a winner. Marie Calendars is fast, on the way to the airport and they have a salad bar! Excellent! Unless you choose the potato cheese soup and bleu cheese dressing. Ooooh. Contestant one lost points for that one.

Challenge Four: The Celebration Excuse (aka Friday afternoon)
It's a holiday weekend, its Friday afternoon and contestant one had a rough week. No one is looking...no one will ever know... And suddenly there I was in Citizen Cake with a hot chocolate and a chocolate chip cookie. And that's when they booted me off Weight Watchers Island.

I weighed myself today and I have gained 1.8 pounds. I will have to work very hard to lose any weight by Monday.

And so readers, I am feeling like a fat failure. And of course I'm going shopping for new clothes tomorrow. Perfect. I bet I'll feel just awesome.

So that was my week. It was full of fun and good food and great friends. If only I had any self control. At all. Needless to say it took all my energy just to keep up with the events of the week so there have not been any updates on my book. And my finances aren't in great shape after all that going out either.

Well that is all from me. Tune in tomorrow when Contestant One gets back on the Island and tries to not fall off the boat this time.

Grrr

I give up. I tried to post from my phone on the train this morning and it didn't make it. So this is a post to tell you that I am not dead and I will be writing a much longer post tonight.

Happy Friday.

Weigh-in day!

I didn't write at all since last we spoke. I did reread what I wrote last night and subsequently decide that I hate it all. But no new writing was done.

I have lost 1.9 pounds. Please direct your congratulatory comments to the "comment" button below.

I'm too tired to write, so I'm sleeping.

Today's post was short so here is a picture of my cat instead. There is no rhyme or reason to this photo, but my dear fat cat was staring at me. So I thought I would share the view from my bed. Which is where I am writing. Goodnight all.

Bathrooms and zombies

Page count: 87 pages, 7 of which were written today.

Sometimes a girl has to do her laundry and clean her bathroom. Even when she would rather be writing her blog, or her book, or watching bad TV. I accomplished a lot today all things considered. I will have clean pants to wear tomorrow (huzzah!) and my bathroom doesn't look so grungy anymore. Ok, I admit I'm sort of a bathroom clean freak so my idea of grungy may not be yours. I'm a "clean the bathroom every Sunday" kind of girl. And it's been probably two Sundays since I gave it more than a spot clean. So I feel good now.

Yes, I did just write about cleaning my bathroom. What? Bathroom cleaning is drama. That's real life right there.

I have to confess that my day of not paying attention to food yesterday may have turned into another day of not paying attention to food today. And I don't want to give you any spoilers or anything, but that 3 pound weight loss from earlier this week, may not be there for the official weigh in tomorrow. But the most important thing I can do is move on and be better in the future. I can either obsess and make myself sad or rejoice in the yummy food and make myself better food tomorrow.

On a final note, my boyfriend (lets call him Brady...because that is his name...) and I watched Zombieland last night and it was AMAZING. I thought it was hilarious. And you know it's some great writing if you can make me laugh at violence and zombies. I give it 9 out of 10 stars, and I only take off a star because I had nightmares last night after watching it about being chased by zombies. The dreams were very serious life or death dreams in which I hid in my house as the zombies tried to get in and there was no humor at all. The movie was mostly outrageously funny in a very dry acerbic way and only a little scary. So I recommend the movie, but don't recommend the nightmares. Boo nightmares. Boo.

That's all for me. I'm going to be tired tomorrow. Drat.

Are you asleep?

Ok, so I took a break today and enjoyed my day off. I did not, in fact, write like a maniac. No page update here.

I think blogging may be a dangerous new obsession for me. During the day I see something interesting and I think, ooh I should blog about that. Of course, when it comes time to actually sit and write, none of those clever things come to mind. Still, no one has EVER said I had trouble thinking of things to talk about. In fact, I have the other problem. But at least with blogging I can delete the extraneous paragraphs after I write them. I really wish I could do that in life sometimes. No particular incident comes to mind, but there are many times I think, wow I've been talking for 10 minutes, I wish I could take some of that back.

Today I was not good about my food. I wasn't bad, but I wasn't anywhere near the vicinity of good either. I thought about the food plan once or twice... But I still had waffles and enchiladas. And maybe a teeny tiny ice cream. With hot fudge. Was it the best choice? Well actually, I think so. If I had had my vanilla bean tea, maybe things could have gone differently. But I didn't have my tea.

I'm all tuckered out now and ready for bed. I know, I know, I lead such a wild life. Going to bed at 11:23pm on a Saturday. What a party girl. I'm just saving up all my energy to write a lot of my book tomorrow.

Goodnight. Party on.

Scrivener and tea bags

I wrote more since last we spoke. I estimate it was a page or so.

I do all my writing in an amazing program called scrivener. If you have a mac and you want to write large things, like a book or a research paper or something that requires lots of pieces and lots of pages, you should buy it now. Anyway, scrivener lets you write a scene or a chapter or a fragment and save it for later. And then if you want to make chapter 1 come later you can drag the entire chapter to another section of the book. Or you can drag an individual scene somewhere else. For someone like me who writes and thinks in short bursts of brilliance (ha!) or at least in non linear ways, its like a dream come true. Right now I am working on chapter one, but if I get an idea for chapter 40 (which I did! Scene 1 of "late chapter" has been written. Its such a good one!) I can write all of chapter 40 and just plug it in later, when I get there. Honestly, I love scrivener. I bought it two years ago, and its probably the only reason I even have any book started. Word was uninspiring and difficult, and then there was scrivener. Oh scrivener...you came into my life and you saved me.

Anyway, the one drawback to scrivener is that with all this non linear, intuitive, wonderful workspace stuff, there is no page count. Or word count. Not for the project as a whole anyway. So it makes it hard for me to get my readers an accurate page count. Therefore, bear with me when I say things like "I wrote about a page." Honestly, I think I did, but who knows. I can export the whole thing to word and see how many pages it is after export, but for one new page, that's just overkill.

In other news, I have found a new favorite afternoon snack. Mighty Leaf Vanilla Bean Tea! Tea is great because it feels like a real beverage (you know, the kind that have calories and make you fat...), but its really just water with some leaves in it. But the vanilla bean tea is even more deceptive because it smells just like dessert! When you bring it up to sip you think, mmmm white chocolate mocha, but then its not. Its like essence of dessert. I like to add cream (which is only 2 weight watchers points!) so it seems even more like something decadent. I will confess, the nutella crepe from the crepe house across from the office is ever so slightly more satisfying. And the fact that I buy the tea at a cafe where they sell french fries, croque monsieur paninis and beignets makes buying just tea hard. But if that little tea bag can get me through a Friday afternoon without buying any of the above mentioned temptations, that's something.

I will be a writing maniac this weekend! There will be great strides!

Goodnight all (all 5 of you who read).

Yes, there is a plan

No work on the book since my last post.
I know I wasn't going to post weight loss until Monday, but I just weighed myself and I am down 3 pounds! Weight loss is fun!

I am really excited about where my book is going actually. Because of this blog I have been thinking about it nonstop and I can't wait for it to be done so I can read it already. Unfortunately, its all in my head. And that's not real.

It sounds very strange saying "my book." I don't have a book yet, just a start. And "my book" sounds sort of pretentious, like I am audacious enough to think that I might wright a book. But I am in fact just that kind of audacious. Still, I don't want anyone thinking I am writing some searing piece of dramatic literature. I don't want to write The Grapes of Wrath. I want to write my favorite type of book...young adult fantasy.

If you aren't a fan I understand. People scoff at the concept. But I love young adult fantasy. Have you read one lately? Maybe my childhood was stranger than most, or maybe my family was too theatrical, but I am so addicted to fantasy. All I wanted was to be transported to a world where dragons fly and talk and magic is everywhere. Actually that's still all I want. Just one talking dragon and I'd be set.

Adult science fiction/fantasy isn't the same. They explain why the magic is possible. The story begins in our world and then there is a space time continuum thing and we are in a new dimension where magic is real because of wave frequencies or something. And then the lead character has some disturbingly vivid sex scene. Why? Why can't dragons exist just because they do? Why can't magic be real just because it is? In Harry Potter (a book loved by children and adults alike) magic just exists. There is no explanation needed. The why doesn't matter. Apparently young adults are capable of believing this, adults are not. You know, according to the Barnes and Noble book organization system.

So my book is young adult fantasy because there are no disturbingly vivid sex scenes, no scientific explanations, and no alternate universes. And there is no plan to include any.

In other news I have not counted the weight watchers points for my dinner. I also didn't count last night's dinner. But I did lose 3 pounds. I'll keep on saying no to cookies, chips, eating out and eating seconds, all for you gentle readers. All you for you.

Goodnight.

Oh, P.S. you are welcome to try and convince me that adult science fiction/fantasy has the magic I so crave. I would love book suggestions.

P.P.S. Anyone catch that Jane Eyre reference? It was brief.

Criminal minds

I wrote 1/2 page more of my book since last we spoke. All three of my readers will be thrilled.

I'm too tired to write too much tonight. I started writing too late and now its 10:42 and I need to get my sleep.

Some thoughts to leave you with:

• I did not track my food carefully today. I am not proud, but its hard to change your life cold turkey. And I was soooo hungry. I vow to do better tomorrow.
• I love The Biggest Loser. I cried twice during last nights episode. It inspired me to keep up with the tracking of my food. Or inspired me for a while anyway. You know, until today...when I went over my points...
• I'm having back pain. I am too young for that. I read in the paper that it's probably my iPhone's fault. Bummer.
  
• We have no home phone service. My mom called to have it fixed, couldn't understand the automated instructions and hung up. That was a week ago.
  
• I wrote 1/2 page last night just because I thought, "My blog will look bad if I have to post that I didn't write at all." Smells like success to me!

A better post tomorrow I promise.

Isn't it Friday yet?

Pages written since yesterday: None. But I will write later tonight, I just wanted to write this blog first. Because it seemed more fun. And easier.

I'm going to weigh myself on Monday because I don't believe in the day to day weighing thing. It makes me manic. So, next Monday tune in to see how much weight I lost! It will be amazing!

I have been so hungry all day long. I am still hungry and I had dinner like 20 minutes ago. I know if I was doing weight watchers the right way, I would be full of my "filling foods" but I must be doing it wrong because I am not at all full.

My days are too long. I wake up each day at 7:30, take a shower, eat breakfast and throw on whatever clean clothes I can find (this is sometimes successful, sometimes not. I often pull semi clean clothes out of the dirty laundry. Actually, who am I kidding, they are not always even semi clean.) I then take a 50 minute BART ride to San Francisco. This whole process takes me until about 9:45. I work all day and then BART back home. Most days I get home about 7:00. My mom and I eat dinner, maybe watch some TV and then I sleep. This is why I am saving up for first and last months rent. This is why I don't have time for the gym, or for my friends or for writing. I dream of an apartment closer to the city. Actually, I dream about living like next door to the office so I can wake up at 9:30 and waltz into work refreshed and happy, but that isn't practical on my budget.

I thought all day about what I would write in this blog, and all I can come up with is a long winded rant about commute times. I'm just cranky I guess. Starting my "new improved" life was hard today. I don't feel full, I didn't sleep well last night and work today was pretty hard. And my favorite part of the day is talking to my boyfriend on the phone (since its hard to see him in person, what with all my commuting) only he's too busy to talk tonight. In his defense, he really is too busy. He wakes up even earlier than I do to get to culinary school. But still. And I let down a friend by not being around to see her, and I'm afraid I'm going to let her down again, because during the week, I basically work, eat and sleep and I never see anyone. Only now I eat less. Hopefully.

But tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is going to be an amazing day! Just because I say so! Huzzah! (I'm trying out the Pollyanna thing. If I can say it with enough conviction I am sure to believe it.)

That's all from me.

And so it begins

Ok. Here I am writing a blog.

I tried this once before over at livejournal, but that was years ago and this time is different. This time I begin with a mission...

I feel like most good blogs start with a mission, a reason for being. I am starting because I feel like even if I only ever have one reader, that one reader will hold me accountable, and make me commit. Lately I have been feeling sort of overwhelmed and adrift. I've been looking at other people's lives and saying, "wow that looks like fun, I want to be like that!" And I realized that I couldn't possibly be living my own life to the fullest if I am looking at other people's lives wishing I were them.

The facts are these: I am out of shape, a little chubby (and I can't lie about it anymore because none of my clothes fit), I eat terrible food (I have a weakness for eating out... and greasy diner food), I have a promising but incomplete novel, I live with my mom and I have no money (which is why I live with my mom, although she's great, so it's not too bad. That might even be a plus actually). On the plus side I am employed, which is a new thing, but a wonderful thing.

So I am going to finish my novel, lose 20 pounds and save up enough money for first and last months rent. I would set a time limit, but I'm no good at time limits. And this blog isn't about accomplishing my goals (although that would be super great!), its about trying to accomplish them. And taking control of my life. And living the life I want to lead. (And trying to never write anything that sappy sounding ever again)

I was going to be brutally honest and give my weight so that we could all track my weight loss together. Then I weighed myself. And I know I'm not really heavy (still just a little chubby) but I can't own up to my own weight. So I'll just be posting the pounds as they come off.

I have 78 pages in my manuscript. This number needs to go up. Frequently. Much more frequently than it currently does.

Thus begins the blog of the out of shape writer.