I've really gotten into budgeting lately. Like, really into it. I started an account on mint.com to help me manage my money and I got sort of obsessed. Which should come as no surprise to anyone, seeing as I love charts and graphs and being in control. I've started looking at my money every day and assessing my budget goals and thinking about investing. I signed up for this site called dailyworth.com, where they help women be more financially savvy. I activated my workplace 410K. And then I started budgeting my food. I've been a pretty lazy weight watcher, it's true, but I've started tracking again. I'm that crazy person in the grocery store who reads the labels on 50 different brands of tortillas. (This is a true story. Brady dragged me away from the tortilla aisle, saying "Sometimes you have to just make a choice!") I've even started thinking about my time as a budget.
I can't decide if all this budgeting is a good thing or a bad thing.
Budgeting plays into the sort of obsessive control freak side of me. It allows me to feel happier because I am in control. And I have to admit that ever since I started really getting in control of my money, I have felt much more relaxed. Before I had a budget I was afraid to look at how much I had spent because I was sure it was bad. I was vaguely concious of my spending. I always stopped short of overdrawing my account. But I never knew if I had enough money to go on vacation or go to a play. I always figured I probably didn't and then I charged things or spent the money anyway. Now I always know. I look up my finances every day. I try to plan my meals carefully so that I never lose that feeling of control, even when it comes to food.
But see, maybe I shouldn't be feeding that side of me. Because all this budgeting, especially with food, doesn't leave much room for spontanaeity. When someone challenges what I see as "the plan" I freak out. I get agitated. That's why weight watchers goes in waves for me, because people often challenge my food plan. People challenge my budget far less frequently, but when they do my response is usually tears and yelling. So is this really contributing to my overall happiness? Is there a way to plan for spontaniety?
I'm not sure. But I do know that I wouldn't trade in the happiness I find from being prepared for things for anything. So there must be a middle ground somewhere that lets me also be ok with eating out on a whim, spending a little extra on new clothes or shoes and lets me enjoy a book even though it made me go over budget on books for the month.
I think the overarching problem here is that I beat myself up for things. And one of my goals is to stop. And to appreciate. And to do one thing each day that truly makes me happy, even if it blows my books budget or my food plan. But how can you get rid of the guilt that follows? I'm trying to learn to forgive myself. To allow myself to make mistakes. To not look at them as mistakes at all. (Surprisingly, I am way better at bouncing back and forgiving myself when I overspend money than when I overeat. Why is that? Is that significant somehow?)
I have no answers, although I do read a lot of books that tackle this problem of happiness and guilt and everything in between. I'm just not sure if the guilt is a good thing, a reminder that I fell off track, or a bad thing that I create myself for no good reason.
I'm going to continue to ponder this. I'll let you know what I find out. In the meantime I totally reccommend you sign up for mint.com. Despite my weird bouts of budget related guilt, it keeps me going.
Zack made us sign up for that too. I'm totally weird about budgeting. I know it's a good thing, but like Weight Watchers, it gives me a lot of anxiety.
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