You Too Can Change Your Life... And Stay Exactly the Same

Alex's Summer Detox Plan (If by "summer" you mean late summer because it's already late June and by the way, where the heck did June go?)

 

1. Take the stairs (easy. done.)
2. Stop splurging (or if you have to splurge, splurge only one day a week)
3. Give up alchohol (except for when it is absolutely neccessary, or if it is a special occassion, or if it is one of those splurge days mentioned above)
4. Go to bed earlier (except when work or social life gets in the way, in which case, try to go to bed as soon as possible, definitely no later than 1 am, except on weekends when all bets are off)
5. Wake up earlier (except for when you've gone to bed too late and need the sleep - see above)
6. Eat more kale
7. Eat more fruit
8. Actually, just go ahead and eat all those foods that other people generally tell you are healthy (NOTE: Do not have your boyfriend cook them in butter to make them taste better)
9. Go to yoga twice a week (except when you have a work or social life event that gets in the way)
10. Start adding cardio (in your spare time when you aren't trying to cook the weird new ingredients that you don't like eating or trying to catch up on the sleep you lost while you were trying to detoxify your life in a vain attempt to not be fat and bloated and tired all the time)
11. Eat less (unless you are tired and hungry and frustrated with how you keep gaining weight in spite of all your endeavors and sad that your clothes no longer fit - no wait, definitely DO eat less if all those things are true?)
12. Clean house, declutter (in your free time. Cleaning will make you feel wonderful and you will absolutely not regret the entire evening you have spent decluttering aka moving all your belongings from one side of the room/house to the other with no real results because you can't stand to throw anything away)
13. Live in the moment, enjoy life more (in spite of the fact that the things you enjoy doing seem to make you fat and none of your clothes fit and you have no money and you are tired and sore all the time from trying to do yoga and incorprate cardio and eat better (with no discernable results). Even though those things are true, and will most likely always be true, ignore your guilt and enjoy yourself - just so long as you aren't splurging (see rule 2))

Metaphorical Treadmills and Other Tales From the Gym

I am slowly.... very very slowly... limping my way into a new lifestyle. I am not proceeding with any consistency and speed does not appear to be my goal.

 

Since starting this blog I've failed more times than I've succeeded and taken more steps backwards than forwards. It's nearly enough to convince a person to stop attempting any type of forward motion. And yet I'm plodding on, secure in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, all of this adds up to progress. Maybe progress doesn't have to be forward progress to be counted as success - maybe while you're living it, it seems like backtracking, but in the end you find you've come a great distance?  I'm waiting for that revelation because right now, I feel like I've been on a giant treadmill of life, never moving, never stopping and I'm not even losing any weight.

I've been going to yoga twice a week. Anyone who has ever seen me take a yoga class is laughing right now. I have all the grace of a wounded elephant and half the flexibility. When I am asked to gracefully move from one pose to the next, the room is filled with heavy breathing and grunting as I attempt to move my body in ways it cannot move. I don't usually feel like a big bulky person.  I mean yes, I would like to lose weight, I've been thinner, but for the most part, my body feels like it's proportionate. Until I begin my yoga practice at which point every part of my body (including my wrists and toes) feels bloated and bulky. A strange new gravity sets in and I find that I can no longer lift my leg in any normal way. Everything hurts. I've been sore for days on end.

Did I mention I've only been doing this for about 2 weeks in a row? I haven't even been doing it very long and already it's harder then I can handle.

But I am determined to have this be the one thing I stick with. I have to stick to something eventually right? I want to quit pretty much all of the time. Halfway through class I am convinced that this is the last time I will go. I'm horrified at the thought that it will take months for me to be better at yoga, years before it's all easy second nature. And yet, I have gone back. I have done my breathing. I have in no way dug deeper to find any hidden reserves of strength, nor have I had any epiphany, I'm just stubbornly refusing to give this up. I've scheduled it into my day.

I've also been writing every Sunday like it's my job. I schedule writing time and I go to a tea shop and I push through even when I hate it. Even when it feels way too hard. Even when I forget why I ever liked writing. The end of my novel is finally finally in sight.  It's miserable and invigorating all at once. Which is pretty much be the story of my life.

So yeah, progress. Slow. Miserable. Progress. Maybe all that time on the treadmill was getting me ready for this. Maybe now that I've practiced some stationary movement I can sprint ahead with some forward motion because my body is ready and trained. Maybe that treadmill metaphor was actually apt. 

And maybe I will make it to yoga tomorrow, despite the fact that in the last few hours I have come up with 3 very good excuses for not going.