You Too Can Change Your Life... And Stay Exactly the Same

Alex's Summer Detox Plan (If by "summer" you mean late summer because it's already late June and by the way, where the heck did June go?)

 

1. Take the stairs (easy. done.)
2. Stop splurging (or if you have to splurge, splurge only one day a week)
3. Give up alchohol (except for when it is absolutely neccessary, or if it is a special occassion, or if it is one of those splurge days mentioned above)
4. Go to bed earlier (except when work or social life gets in the way, in which case, try to go to bed as soon as possible, definitely no later than 1 am, except on weekends when all bets are off)
5. Wake up earlier (except for when you've gone to bed too late and need the sleep - see above)
6. Eat more kale
7. Eat more fruit
8. Actually, just go ahead and eat all those foods that other people generally tell you are healthy (NOTE: Do not have your boyfriend cook them in butter to make them taste better)
9. Go to yoga twice a week (except when you have a work or social life event that gets in the way)
10. Start adding cardio (in your spare time when you aren't trying to cook the weird new ingredients that you don't like eating or trying to catch up on the sleep you lost while you were trying to detoxify your life in a vain attempt to not be fat and bloated and tired all the time)
11. Eat less (unless you are tired and hungry and frustrated with how you keep gaining weight in spite of all your endeavors and sad that your clothes no longer fit - no wait, definitely DO eat less if all those things are true?)
12. Clean house, declutter (in your free time. Cleaning will make you feel wonderful and you will absolutely not regret the entire evening you have spent decluttering aka moving all your belongings from one side of the room/house to the other with no real results because you can't stand to throw anything away)
13. Live in the moment, enjoy life more (in spite of the fact that the things you enjoy doing seem to make you fat and none of your clothes fit and you have no money and you are tired and sore all the time from trying to do yoga and incorprate cardio and eat better (with no discernable results). Even though those things are true, and will most likely always be true, ignore your guilt and enjoy yourself - just so long as you aren't splurging (see rule 2))