Do you ever feel intense nostalgia for something you never actually had? (Actually I'm not so sure you can feel nostalgia for something you never had, because I think nostalgia by definition* is missing or longing for something that you actually did have, but uh, I digress)
It happens to me most when I facebook stalk. (I know, it's a bad habit. But facebook makes it so easy!) Sometimes I facebook stalk people that I knew in college who are now semi (or wildly...just google Allison Case) successful in the theatre world. And I totally miss that life I had where I was a skilled musical theatre performer. Um. Only, I never had that life.
I wasn't ever a skilled musical theatre performer. In fact, I used to have panic attacks before every audition, and I made a conscious decision not to pursue performance because I knew I didn't have the passion and drive that I would need to make it. Also, I have sort of a weak voice and I can't belt very high and all I saw when I looked at myself were things that needed improvement. And yet. I have breathed theatre my whole life, grown up on the stage, felt the heat of stage lights, worked backstage and onstage and everywhere in between. It's not hard for me to imagine the life of a successful theatre artist.
I miss singing. I miss acting. I miss being around theatre. I like opera, don't get me wrong. I'm pleased to be working in opera. I like art in all it's forms. But oh, I miss the theatre.
When I stop imagining this life I might have had, I remember that my own life is very nice. I'm moving(!!!!). I have a great job. A job that some might even call glamorous. I have a boyfriend who I generally think is pretty cool. I live in the Bay Area, I work in San Francisco, I have good things in my life. But they seem so mundane compared to living in NYC, touring the country in musicals, traveling the world. I started this blog to start making some of my own dreams come true, but why is it so easy for me to be swayed by other people's dreams?
Is it because it's easier to have nostalgia for a life you never had than it is to make your life the one you want to live? Yeah....I think that's it.
One day, I will finish my book. I will finish my play. I will use the skills I actually possess and be successful doing what I love. I will finally get to travel the world and feel like my life is one of those ones worth envying. Or, I'll break down and move to New York like almost everyone I went to college with and I'll see if that makes a difference in how I feel. I have this sneaking suspicion I'd feel this way no matter what I was doing, no matter where I was. It's the plight of the writer to always be putting yourself in other people's shoes. Or it's my plight anyway.
Ugh I'm exhausted. Only two more days until the Pennsylvania wedding extravaganza (and my mini vacation to NYC)! Oh my. I haven't packed at all. See, I really should have facebook stalked less and packed more...oh well. That's all I have to say tonight.
*"The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form" Thanks Wikipedia.
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