Back to School

Well, I am almost healthy again. I am well on my way to health and happiness, although staying up late writing blog entries is probably not helpful in the long run.

Last week was just such a wash for me. I did nothing except have weird feverish dreams and watch like 30 netflix movies. But now that my illness has passed I feel sort of...revived? Like someone hit the reset button on my life I guess. It's autumn and the air is crisp and there is a fun back to school vibe in the air. The things that were stressing me out last week and last month are in the past now. I have fun plans for the weekend. Things look...hopeful.

I spent an hour cleaning my house tonight and it made me so happy. I love cleaning sometimes. I know...I'm a crazy person. But sometimes I just have to go scrub a bathtub.

Hopefully this feeling is a permanent change and not just some hormonal shift that will swing back around in a few days leaving me angry and confused.

That's all for now. I need some sleep.

I am a Bear?

I am just so sick. So so sick. Terrible, fever and bad dreams kind of sick. Sick in a way that makes me want to curl up and die.

Last night I had a dream that I was a bear. I woke up to go to the bathroom and realized that I was not just a bear, but a clan of bears. Each of my arms was a bear. And I knew somwhere in my mind that I was a person but I couldn't think of my name. And that was without any cold medicine at all.

Basically I'm cracking up.

If I ever get well, I will post again. Happy thoughts. About disneyland and good food.

I hope I don't hallucinate again tonight...

Fat, tired and possibly sick

Ugh, I am fat, possibly coming down with a cold and exhausted.

I also just spent the last 30 min entering online contests. And no, I won't tell you which ones, because I don't want you to enter too. That would lessen my chances of winning, and frankly I could use a windfall right now. Seriously. I never win anything anyway. Right now I'm feeling all hopeful and happy but nothing will come of it. I'll still be broke and fat and tired.

Speaking of being fat though, I am going to really buckle down on the weight watchers and the exercise starting tomorrow. (Yeah, I know. You've heard that before.) Really though. If I can't buckle down this week and really sustain this weight loss thing, it was just prove that I have no follow through and no self control.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little down right now. If you couldn't tell from that uplifting opening line. I just need to learn from my mistakes and see my small successes and move forward into a bright and happy future.

Ha. Yeah I'm just going to sleep. I'll be in Disneyland in 3 days and I bet things will feel lots better there. Goodnight for now.

Routine...what's that?

I have successfully made it to the gym! Er, I mean, I went to the gym. It was...not as bad as I expected. But unfortunately walking into the gym did not magically make me thin/beautiful/fit/stress free/happy. Nor did it change the fact that I ate an ice cream sand which today and I probably shouldn't have.

Informal poll: Is it ok to go to the gym, feel really good and then come home and eat macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for dinner? Does it change things if the mac and cheese was Annie's instant mac and cheese (made with real cheese) and the hot dogs were 98% fat free turkey dogs? If I had a pudding cup for dessert, does that negate any good I may have done today?

If only life sorted itself out neatly for us. I feel like in elementary school it did. Actually even in middle school and high school my days were neatly ordered, laid out in front of me. Yeah waking up was bad. But I always knew what came next. Someone made my food for me (which is probably why I was skinny when I was little). They made time in the day for physical activity. The day always went in an orderly fashion. A nice routine.

No one tells you that when you get out of school you have to make your own routine. And that you will probably lack self discipline and find yourself in front of the TV eating mac and cheese and instead of it being great like you always dreamed, you will be stressing about how fat you are and your boyfriend will change the channel to watch the baseball game.

Anyway, on the plus side, my performance review went really well today and I am apparently a fabulous employee!! I got extra points for being personable and creative. Excellent!

Ugh, I'm going to be tired tomorrow. Stayed up too late watching British TV dramas and now will be late to work again. At least it's Friday!

Ranch Dressing and anxiety

I lost two pounds this week! Also I got hit on on the BART train today. I'm positive that the two were related. Obviously I am much more beautiful now that I am two pounds thinner. (Except that I'm not two pounds thinner anymore because I went out to dinner with my friend Rowyn and gained them all back...in french fries).

But in honor of weigh in day, a recommendation for you all.... Follow Your Heart Low Fat Ranch Dressing!

I have to confess that this is actually my favorite ranch dressing. Like out of all ranch dressings. Even Brady agrees. It's just yummy. It just also happens to be 1 weight watchers point. For 4 tablespoons. You can buy it here. Or at your local Lucky store. (Follow Your Heart...if you want to pay me for the advertising...I'm ready to accept your money, although I will love your product even if I never get paid to talk about it.)

Sometimes when I discover amazing foods like this one, I wonder, why are there so many fattening foods out there? We have the power to make things that taste like this...rich, creamy, yummy...without all the fat and the calories and yet... I mean when you actually go to the store and look at nutrition information it totally makes sense that there are so many people struggling with obesity. Not that I'm trying to get on any soapbox about obesity. It's just, why not make foods that are low fat and delicious? Foods that don't make you feel like you are dieting even though you are. I get that butter needs fat to taste good. I understand that cheese just tastes funny the lower fat it is. But surely, there are also some foods that could be better for you with minimal effort. Right? Although, don't get me started on low fat cheese. That stuff doesn't taste right.

Anyway. I also restarted my gym membership yesterday with the intention of going to the gym today. I didn't. I am suddenly afraid that once again I have succumbed to the beautiful image of how great it will be when I go to the gym without any real hope of making it to said gym. Soon mounting gym costs will make me feel increasingly more guilty as I make more excuses for why I don't have time to go to the gym all the while knowing that the real reason I can't go is just that I've built it up in my head so much that I am paralyzed with fear of actually going to the gym. And by the time I get there, I have unrealistic expectations for what I should be doing there and so I will always feel like I should be getting more out of my membership. And ultimately I will decide the gym is too old/ugly/dirty/crowded/full of fit people and convince myself that that's why I never go as if the gym is the problem rather than myself. Ugh, so basically I joined the gym to help lower my stress but have ended up adding to my stress levels exponentially.

Now I'm tired from thinking about food and all the pressures of not working out. Ugh performance review tomorrow at work on top of everything else.