Finishing the First Draft

So.... I finished the first draft of my book.  Yep.  It's surreal.

You may recall this post back in February of 2010.  (In all honesty, I did not recall that post until just now when I went back to read it, but maybe you all pay more attention to me than I do to myself?) If you are wondering what this book is that I keep referring to, there's a brief description there for you.

I don't know if I really believed I would finish a draft until yesterday when I did it.  I wrote the last sentence and I said, wait, that was it? Because honestly, it wasn't so hard once I set my mind to actually writing.

Or rather, it was ridiculously hard. Getting myself to write was hard. Actually writing was hard. Re-reading what I wrote was/is hard. Some days it felt excruciating. It literally felt like every single word I wrote was being dragged out of me, painfully, leaving a limp bloated scene with no inspiration that I would have to re-write later anyway and what is the point? But it was also not as hard as I thought it would be.  I mean, I did it.  I finished a story.  There's a beginning, a middle and an end.  I think one day, I could maybe finish another book. This is not something I previously believed about myself.

So, the book I finished may be utterly terrible.  The writing may be stilted and amateurish. The whole thing may need to be scrapped, but it was so worth it to know that I can, in fact, finish a book.

When I started this blog I had 78 pages.  Now I have 209. Let the editing begin...

You Too Can Change Your Life... And Stay Exactly the Same

Alex's Summer Detox Plan (If by "summer" you mean late summer because it's already late June and by the way, where the heck did June go?)

 

1. Take the stairs (easy. done.)
2. Stop splurging (or if you have to splurge, splurge only one day a week)
3. Give up alchohol (except for when it is absolutely neccessary, or if it is a special occassion, or if it is one of those splurge days mentioned above)
4. Go to bed earlier (except when work or social life gets in the way, in which case, try to go to bed as soon as possible, definitely no later than 1 am, except on weekends when all bets are off)
5. Wake up earlier (except for when you've gone to bed too late and need the sleep - see above)
6. Eat more kale
7. Eat more fruit
8. Actually, just go ahead and eat all those foods that other people generally tell you are healthy (NOTE: Do not have your boyfriend cook them in butter to make them taste better)
9. Go to yoga twice a week (except when you have a work or social life event that gets in the way)
10. Start adding cardio (in your spare time when you aren't trying to cook the weird new ingredients that you don't like eating or trying to catch up on the sleep you lost while you were trying to detoxify your life in a vain attempt to not be fat and bloated and tired all the time)
11. Eat less (unless you are tired and hungry and frustrated with how you keep gaining weight in spite of all your endeavors and sad that your clothes no longer fit - no wait, definitely DO eat less if all those things are true?)
12. Clean house, declutter (in your free time. Cleaning will make you feel wonderful and you will absolutely not regret the entire evening you have spent decluttering aka moving all your belongings from one side of the room/house to the other with no real results because you can't stand to throw anything away)
13. Live in the moment, enjoy life more (in spite of the fact that the things you enjoy doing seem to make you fat and none of your clothes fit and you have no money and you are tired and sore all the time from trying to do yoga and incorprate cardio and eat better (with no discernable results). Even though those things are true, and will most likely always be true, ignore your guilt and enjoy yourself - just so long as you aren't splurging (see rule 2))

Metaphorical Treadmills and Other Tales From the Gym

I am slowly.... very very slowly... limping my way into a new lifestyle. I am not proceeding with any consistency and speed does not appear to be my goal.

 

Since starting this blog I've failed more times than I've succeeded and taken more steps backwards than forwards. It's nearly enough to convince a person to stop attempting any type of forward motion. And yet I'm plodding on, secure in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, all of this adds up to progress. Maybe progress doesn't have to be forward progress to be counted as success - maybe while you're living it, it seems like backtracking, but in the end you find you've come a great distance?  I'm waiting for that revelation because right now, I feel like I've been on a giant treadmill of life, never moving, never stopping and I'm not even losing any weight.

I've been going to yoga twice a week. Anyone who has ever seen me take a yoga class is laughing right now. I have all the grace of a wounded elephant and half the flexibility. When I am asked to gracefully move from one pose to the next, the room is filled with heavy breathing and grunting as I attempt to move my body in ways it cannot move. I don't usually feel like a big bulky person.  I mean yes, I would like to lose weight, I've been thinner, but for the most part, my body feels like it's proportionate. Until I begin my yoga practice at which point every part of my body (including my wrists and toes) feels bloated and bulky. A strange new gravity sets in and I find that I can no longer lift my leg in any normal way. Everything hurts. I've been sore for days on end.

Did I mention I've only been doing this for about 2 weeks in a row? I haven't even been doing it very long and already it's harder then I can handle.

But I am determined to have this be the one thing I stick with. I have to stick to something eventually right? I want to quit pretty much all of the time. Halfway through class I am convinced that this is the last time I will go. I'm horrified at the thought that it will take months for me to be better at yoga, years before it's all easy second nature. And yet, I have gone back. I have done my breathing. I have in no way dug deeper to find any hidden reserves of strength, nor have I had any epiphany, I'm just stubbornly refusing to give this up. I've scheduled it into my day.

I've also been writing every Sunday like it's my job. I schedule writing time and I go to a tea shop and I push through even when I hate it. Even when it feels way too hard. Even when I forget why I ever liked writing. The end of my novel is finally finally in sight.  It's miserable and invigorating all at once. Which is pretty much be the story of my life.

So yeah, progress. Slow. Miserable. Progress. Maybe all that time on the treadmill was getting me ready for this. Maybe now that I've practiced some stationary movement I can sprint ahead with some forward motion because my body is ready and trained. Maybe that treadmill metaphor was actually apt. 

And maybe I will make it to yoga tomorrow, despite the fact that in the last few hours I have come up with 3 very good excuses for not going. 

It's been a rough week

I've been having a hard time of it lately.  "It" meaning "life."

Some very blogworthy things have been happening I guess.  I mean if I were sort of emo and angsty and wanted to talk about my feelings a lot.  Which, you know, I sort of try not to do.

I know, I know, I talk a lot.  Every person I have ever met and talked to has commented on how much I talk.  My family, my friends, my enemies.  They all like to make jokes about how much I talk.  Which is fine mostly.  But just because I talk a lot, and just because I do share a lot about myself, doesn't mean that I let everyone in on everything.  I may say "Yeah, I had a bad day" to someone I just met, but I won't say "I'm currently facing the crippling realities of my life and I'm finding myself lacking in pretty much every way possible."  I mean, I tend to try to downplay my unhappiness when I'm talking to other people.  I'm more of a "lets talk about fun things" kind of person.

But anyway, I am sort of facing the crippling realities of my life and finding myself lacking.

And it doesn't make me want to blog so much.  Because I would rather share funny stories or weight loss failures or pretty much anything else.

So I'm sorry I haven't been blogging.  It's been a tough couple of years and those tough years are catching up with me.  I mean actually literally catching up with me as in I am now having to visit the doctor every other week to deal with stress related illnesses.  So yeah.  I'm trying to think of the funny way to say that and...well, I'm coming up short.  Which is not to say that things aren't often funny (physical therapy orientation... actually sort of an amazingly hilarious experience.  Picture me and five 50 year old women doing yoga stretches on a floor talking about our pelvic alignment.)

I've been feeling very alone and very grown up and very dissatisfied and it's hard to find people who are willing to listen to you talk about why you are feeling down.  I don't know if I know anyone who's up for that kind of listening.  Because on top of everything else a lot of the things I counted on for support have been collapsing lately.

I'm not depressed or even sad so much as overwhelmed and sort of uncomfortable about lots of things in my life.  And I'm going to try to work on that.  Slowly.  Step by step.  But, um, in the meantime, thanks internet for listening to me rant?

And now I'm thinking I've treaded into emo and angsty territory and I obviously just need to stop and go to sleep because sleep makes everything better.  Focus on that funny physical therapy image I conjured up earlier.  That was waaay less angsty.  

I'm really wondering about my decision making skills

I just spent more than three hours updating my computer and related software.  On the plus side, it basically feels like I have a completely new computer.  On the downside, I started this insane project at 11:30, knowing that it could maybe take a while.

I've been battling a cold all week (mostly I've been winning) and yet it seemed like a great idea to stay up until 3 am watching my computer update itself (progress bars are just so entertaining).  It seemed like a good idea at the time...

So, if I am totally sick again tomorrow, at least I'll have my snazzy new Mac OS Lion to keep me company as I spend the day in bed trying to recuperate from my bad decisions.

(But seriously guys, the changes are awesome and I'm really geeking out.  My apple nerd side is having a field day and I'm only pretending that it wasn't worth staying up until 3 am to see the changes they made to the mail and calendar applications.  This will keep me going for DAYS!)

Anyway, one week from today I will be off to NYC!  So excited.

And with that, I'm going to pass out at the keyboard, staring lovingly at my new operating system.  Goodnight.

Shake that thing

I just re-read my last post and I can only assume I was bordering on delirious when I wrote it.  Well except that it sounds a lot like my other incoherent ramblings (also known as this whole blog) so I'll try to assume that the internet at large loves it when I sound just a teensy bit insane and/or sleep deprived.

Speaking of insane... my life has been INSANE these past few weeks.  One of my best friends got married this past week, which was fantastic!  And work has been semi-crazy as well.  But mostly I just feel like it's been a whirlwind of family stuff, and friends stuff, and stuff stuff.

Brady and I went to Zumba today, which is something we do every Tuesday now.  It's embarrassing how much better Brady is at Zumba than I am.  Zumba is based on Latin rhythms.  It requires the shaking of hips, the undulating of bodies, and occasionally the very feminine art of shimmying.  And to be really good, it requires attitude.  Brady has the attitude.  And he's surprisingly good at the shaking of the hips and the shimmying.  I'm chalking it up to his Guatemalan heritage.  We Germans just weren't made for shimmying.

Really though, I have to admit that watching Brady shimmy and shake just impresses me.  Somehow it makes him seem all the more masculine, because seriously, how many men are secure enough to take a class with five women and no men.  (Although, considering it's a class where said women shimmy and shake and undulate in time to Latin rythyms, you have to wonder what all those straight men are waiting for.  Not to mention at the last class our teacher asked if any of the girls were single and they all raised their hands (including me, but only because I missed the question and thought the hand raising thing was a dance move)).  I like to think that all the manly men who peered in at our Zumba class on their way to the rock climbing were thinking "Damn, that guy is BRILLIANT!  Dancing with all those single ladies.  And man, he looks great doing it too!  Sign me up!"

Of course, then I remember what I look like doing the undulating body roll move, and I think maybe they weren't thinking he was lucky so much as being tortured.

And now to go to bed before 12 for the first time in DAYS.  I'm more excited than I should be.

So...I've been busy but it's no excuse

It seems like writing about something in my blog is a sure-fire way to ensure I will never do it again. I wrote about being obsessed with budgeting and mere days after writing it, I fell off the budgeting wagon (is that the appropriate use of that analogy?) and overspent like mad. And forget budgeting my food - I've been eating like a starving person... at every meal. I wrote about how I was going to write in the blog more often and then I ceased to write for a month.

But... I did manage to accomplish a few things in the interim. We just concluded the very busy performance season at my work, and so my late nights at work are (hopefully) at an end. Also I did a little reading. Or a lot of reading (I mean, I guess it depends on what you think "a lot" is). I read (in no particular order):

• The Story of Edgar Sawtelle
• Books 1-3 of "The Mortal Instruments" series (Don't judge! Everyone needs some trashy teenage fantasy romance now and then. It was great, especially after that depressing Edgar Sawtelle book.)
• The Hunger Games Trilogy (I'm still recovering - that is one dark series)
• Heir to Sevenwaters (Ok, you can judge me for that one.)

I reccommend all of them, although you should only read the Edgar Sawtelle book if you are in a very happy place and can stand to have your emotions ripped out of you. Also it is a dense book and not an easy read. Seriously, it took all those other books combined to get me over Edgar Sawtelle. I'm only just now feeling like I can read a "grown up" novel again.

In addition to reading some excellent literature I managed to finish all 6 seasons of Doctor Who (no small feat! That's over 70 hours of TV...wait, should I be proud of that or ashamed?) and I'm halfway through Downton Abbey ( I know, I know, obsessed with British TV much Alex?). In my defense it took me several months to finish Doctor Who. Less in my defense, it took the rest of the world 6 years to watch it when it was airing. (!!!New episodes are back on this weekend, so I know what I'll be doing...!!!)

I should add that I was petsitting for my boyfriend a few weeks back, which means I was home alone with a cat for days on end (except when I was at work of course). Then I petsat for my mom for a week after that, which means I was home alone with 6 cats. Suddenly that whole Doctor Who marathon makes more sense, eh? At one point I found myself talking to the cats in a (bad) british dialect as I fed them dinner. At another point I was crying to them about David Tennant's departure from the show. Um, speaking of which, I completely love David Tennant (or at least his portrayal of the Doctor) and want to marry him. Only I can't because he is marrying someone else...who is exactly my age. I was willing to overlook the fact that he was maybe too old for me, but it turns out he wouldn't have had a problem with it. If only we had met. The girl he's marrying is even blonde like me... I am so obviously on the wrong continent.

I just searched images of David Tennant, and it made my whole day. I recommend it. His eyes and his sonic screwdriver (not pictured) are looking into my soul.

In any case, now I am just completely babbling. And also I have a giant picture of Doctor Who on my blog. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my life right now.

OOOH except also I started bouldering. At this gym. Go ahead, click that link. Look at the pictures. Recall how coordinated I am. Are you imagining me falling off the rock walls? Because, um, that's really what it looks like when I do it. Over and over. Me flailing to get a grip on the next handhold. Me grabbing the wrong handhold and slipping. Me gripping fruitlessly at whatever is nearest. Me falling backwards off the wall to the sounds of Brady's laughter. But it's so fun! Brady and I have been going together and we've been loving it. Judging by how fit all the hardcore people at the gym are, Brady and I are going to be super hot and skinny soon. Too hot for each other really. :-) If I don't fall off the wall and break my neck. Or decide that maybe clinging to fake rock wall for dear life is maybe not as fun as it appeared to be at first.

In any case, that's my life at present. So you can see why there was no time for blogging. Hopefully I've made it up to you by composing an essay of rambling thoughts for you. You're welcome.