Oh birthdays

Ok universe. It's not really so funny anymore.

My checking account has been compromised and my current balance is negative $900. I don't even want to get into the details of how this all happened, but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my negligence that led to some very stupid person (who I hope will be summarily ARRESTED for being a complete IDIOT) stealing a card that allowed them access to my account. Really I hope karma comes back to get this mystery person who stole the card from my dad. I really do. I hope that the person who stole my money 2 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY really feels it. I hope that on his birthday he gets swine flu. Or I hope that everyone forgets his birthday. Or I hope that he gets charged a lot of random overdraft fees.

(Aw man, I'm no good at being mean. I imagined the poor thief on his birthday, not getting any calls or cards or presents, and then I felt like I understood why he was reduced to thievery. I mean, no one really cares about him. I bet he didn't have a good homelife. Maybe I take it back about the whole forgetting his birthday thing. I just hope he feels as bad as I do right now.)

ANYWAY. There is some concern about whether or not I'll be able to pay my rent now that I have negative money in my account, so that's a nice birthday gift.
Also, I keep gaining weight (which is probably because I just keep eating) and I'm becoming obsessed with trying to count points only to blow it all on one delicious italian feast.

Also all my bills are coming in right now and I have NO MONEY.

And tomorrow is my birthday. Sigh. Well last year I had swine flu. I guess we're building up to something really great for 26. But 25 is destined to be overshadowed by money trouble. I hope that's not indicative of the rest of the year.
Hopefully I'll have a happy post tomorrow. Something about how great my birthday turned out, despite the inauspicious beginnings.

I'm going to go play some plants vs. zombies and then try to sleep. Happy birthday to me....

There's a zombie on your laaaaawwn...don't want the zombies on your laaaawn....

Foods I love.. a series

Ok guys. Today at Lucky, a DIFFERENT checker said "You watching what you eat?" after ringing me up. Either I look huge, or I am one healthy shopper.

Alas I did sort of break down in the frozen foods aisle, so not all my food is fresh fruits and veggies. But weight watchers success will be mine!!!!

It's my birthday next Tuesday, so people keep offering to take me out to eat. Which will be sort of detrimental to my weight watching I think. So I think I should just bask in that healthy shopping glow and promise to definitely eat better in October...

All right, all right, I'll also promise to TRY and eat well despite being taken out to eat.

I was thinking on Wednesdays, in honor of my weight in day, I would tell you about some foods I love. But then I didn't blog yesterday (nor did I lose weight at my weigh in...), so we will begin this new tradition on a Thursday. Today's post is brought to you by one of my favorite low fat wonderful products:


Naturally Yours Non Fat Sour Cream. IT'S MAGIC!!! HOW DO THEY DO IT?!!

Ok, so we've been eating this sour cream since I was a kid. It's that good. I was eating it before I was dieting. My boyfriend says it tastes a little like yogurt. And I admit if you eat some real sour cream, and then you eat this, you'll realize that there is a difference. But if you don't eat some real sour cream right before you eat this, you won't be able to tell the difference. So, um yes. I love this stuff. I ate some tonight. 2 weight watchers points for 1/4 cup. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Seriously, it's hard not to love it. Just look at that cute cow painted package. Aaaand that is all from me for tonight.

Successes where I can get them

So, sometimes I need to just take whatever success I can get.

I went shopping today for dinner. I take a long time to shop lately because a) I am shopping for myself and have to think about things like, "will I eat this before it goes bad" and "what can I buy now to eat later this week" and "do I have enough food in my house right now," b) I'm trying to budget like crazy and not spend all my money on food and c) I've been really really trying to be good at weight watchers and have been reading labels like crazy. So my shopping trips have become...an adventure all their own. Often I find myself talking out loud, muttering about the cost of some item, or weighing the pros and cons of a particular food item. Today, as I pondered the hamburger buns I said out loud, "Oh! 6 grams of fiber. That's great." The woman next to me didn't actually know what to make of that.

So when I checked out today, I had pretty much bonded with my food. I had labored over each broccoli head (to buy a floret or a whole broccoli...time vs. money...epic battle of head versus heart) and I knew every nutritional fact. The woman who checked me out looked over my items (my whole wheat buns, my veggie burgers, my broccoli, my glorious high fiber english muffins, my decadent low fat whipped cream) and said "Everything you bought was low fat or low in calories! You're one healthy eater!"

And I felt the warm glow of a job well done. The warmth of false modesty settled around me as I tried to deny it. It was a great moment. Today I felt good when I sat down to watch the Biggest Loser...I had been pegged as one of those healthy eaters. That elusive highest echelon of shoppers. Already I feel as though I am one of those people who wake up at 6 am and go for a jog.

And then I ate my weight watchers onion rings in front of the TV and that feeling passed. Weigh in tomorrow! Hope it's good news. And if it's not, it just means I have to try harder next week. That's all from me.

Blogging along, blogging along

Blog blog blog, I'm blogging again.

It's Monday. Things are fine. I want another weekend please.

Seriously. I have nothing more to add.

That was all going on and we never noticed

Well I'm all moved now. Sort of. I mean, I sleep in a new place. There is a bed here. And my clothes are scattered in suitcases around me. So I live in my new apartment more than I live anywhere else. But that is not to say that I feel like I really live here either.

I've always had a bit of trouble with transitions. I've never liked the in between. I love being asleep. And I love being awake. But I hate falling to sleep and I hate waking up. I love being in the shower, or being in the pool. And I'm good with being dry. But I hate being wet and waiting to dry. Right now, I know I'll love being in my apartment, but I'm hating the in between-ness of it all.

I'm one big mess of melancholy lately. It started when I packed up my comforter and it's been getting progressively worse. I miss my mom more than I thought I would. I mean she lives just down the road. I know I went away from home for college. But here I am, sitting at home just missing her so much, like I might never see her again or something. Which is ridiculous. Of course I'll see her again. Probably later this week.

Sometimes I feel like there is too much changing all at once, faster and faster, all around us and I want to grab time and say stop, I want to be in this moment for a bit longer. I want to rewind, jump back and do today again just because it was great. I want to try last year again and really appreciate it this time.

"It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed" - Our Town

I'm not trying to be depressing or anything. Last time I wrote about nostalgia for things I never actually had...this time I'm writing about real nostalgia. Wishing for life to be a way that it never will be again. (Er, so much for not being depressing.)

We can't hide at home forever though, forcing ourselves to act out a way of life just for consistencies sake. We have to try new things, move on, attempt to make new memories that are better than the past. And honestly, the more time I spend thinking on the past, the more I miss the present. Life goes on, and it should go on. Think of what we would miss if we stayed only where it felt safe and comfortable and easy.

Think of the places we would never go, the lives we would never lead, the loves we would never have, the flings that would never be flung. No one would act or sing or dance or create. No one would get married or fall in love at all because love is the least safe thing I know of. No one would move out, or move on. Life does keep moving, we do get older, we have to see everything we can in whatever time we have.

Next time I promise to write something much more uplifting. But I meant to just say that I am back online...I have internet once more and there can be blogging. And life is infinitely wonderful and infinitely sad and infinitely funny and I'm working on reconciling all that into a happy existence.

"Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. ...Do human beings ever realize life while they live it? — Every, every minute?" - Our Town

I leave you with this happy photo from my trip to Philly for the wedding of the year...


I think this photo asks the question, can you mix American Gothic and a wedding party? And I think the answer is yes. In fact, it makes it better.

Definitions of nostalgia and more

Do you ever feel intense nostalgia for something you never actually had? (Actually I'm not so sure you can feel nostalgia for something you never had, because I think nostalgia by definition* is missing or longing for something that you actually did have, but uh, I digress)

It happens to me most when I facebook stalk. (I know, it's a bad habit. But facebook makes it so easy!) Sometimes I facebook stalk people that I knew in college who are now semi (or wildly...just google Allison Case) successful in the theatre world. And I totally miss that life I had where I was a skilled musical theatre performer. Um. Only, I never had that life.

I wasn't ever a skilled musical theatre performer. In fact, I used to have panic attacks before every audition, and I made a conscious decision not to pursue performance because I knew I didn't have the passion and drive that I would need to make it. Also, I have sort of a weak voice and I can't belt very high and all I saw when I looked at myself were things that needed improvement. And yet. I have breathed theatre my whole life, grown up on the stage, felt the heat of stage lights, worked backstage and onstage and everywhere in between. It's not hard for me to imagine the life of a successful theatre artist.

I miss singing. I miss acting. I miss being around theatre. I like opera, don't get me wrong. I'm pleased to be working in opera. I like art in all it's forms. But oh, I miss the theatre.

When I stop imagining this life I might have had, I remember that my own life is very nice. I'm moving(!!!!). I have a great job. A job that some might even call glamorous. I have a boyfriend who I generally think is pretty cool. I live in the Bay Area, I work in San Francisco, I have good things in my life. But they seem so mundane compared to living in NYC, touring the country in musicals, traveling the world. I started this blog to start making some of my own dreams come true, but why is it so easy for me to be swayed by other people's dreams?

Is it because it's easier to have nostalgia for a life you never had than it is to make your life the one you want to live? Yeah....I think that's it.

One day, I will finish my book. I will finish my play. I will use the skills I actually possess and be successful doing what I love. I will finally get to travel the world and feel like my life is one of those ones worth envying. Or, I'll break down and move to New York like almost everyone I went to college with and I'll see if that makes a difference in how I feel. I have this sneaking suspicion I'd feel this way no matter what I was doing, no matter where I was. It's the plight of the writer to always be putting yourself in other people's shoes. Or it's my plight anyway.

Ugh I'm exhausted. Only two more days until the Pennsylvania wedding extravaganza (and my mini vacation to NYC)! Oh my. I haven't packed at all. See, I really should have facebook stalked less and packed more...oh well. That's all I have to say tonight.

*"The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form" Thanks Wikipedia.