Foods I love.. a series

Ok guys. Today at Lucky, a DIFFERENT checker said "You watching what you eat?" after ringing me up. Either I look huge, or I am one healthy shopper.

Alas I did sort of break down in the frozen foods aisle, so not all my food is fresh fruits and veggies. But weight watchers success will be mine!!!!

It's my birthday next Tuesday, so people keep offering to take me out to eat. Which will be sort of detrimental to my weight watching I think. So I think I should just bask in that healthy shopping glow and promise to definitely eat better in October...

All right, all right, I'll also promise to TRY and eat well despite being taken out to eat.

I was thinking on Wednesdays, in honor of my weight in day, I would tell you about some foods I love. But then I didn't blog yesterday (nor did I lose weight at my weigh in...), so we will begin this new tradition on a Thursday. Today's post is brought to you by one of my favorite low fat wonderful products:


Naturally Yours Non Fat Sour Cream. IT'S MAGIC!!! HOW DO THEY DO IT?!!

Ok, so we've been eating this sour cream since I was a kid. It's that good. I was eating it before I was dieting. My boyfriend says it tastes a little like yogurt. And I admit if you eat some real sour cream, and then you eat this, you'll realize that there is a difference. But if you don't eat some real sour cream right before you eat this, you won't be able to tell the difference. So, um yes. I love this stuff. I ate some tonight. 2 weight watchers points for 1/4 cup. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Seriously, it's hard not to love it. Just look at that cute cow painted package. Aaaand that is all from me for tonight.

Successes where I can get them

So, sometimes I need to just take whatever success I can get.

I went shopping today for dinner. I take a long time to shop lately because a) I am shopping for myself and have to think about things like, "will I eat this before it goes bad" and "what can I buy now to eat later this week" and "do I have enough food in my house right now," b) I'm trying to budget like crazy and not spend all my money on food and c) I've been really really trying to be good at weight watchers and have been reading labels like crazy. So my shopping trips have become...an adventure all their own. Often I find myself talking out loud, muttering about the cost of some item, or weighing the pros and cons of a particular food item. Today, as I pondered the hamburger buns I said out loud, "Oh! 6 grams of fiber. That's great." The woman next to me didn't actually know what to make of that.

So when I checked out today, I had pretty much bonded with my food. I had labored over each broccoli head (to buy a floret or a whole broccoli...time vs. money...epic battle of head versus heart) and I knew every nutritional fact. The woman who checked me out looked over my items (my whole wheat buns, my veggie burgers, my broccoli, my glorious high fiber english muffins, my decadent low fat whipped cream) and said "Everything you bought was low fat or low in calories! You're one healthy eater!"

And I felt the warm glow of a job well done. The warmth of false modesty settled around me as I tried to deny it. It was a great moment. Today I felt good when I sat down to watch the Biggest Loser...I had been pegged as one of those healthy eaters. That elusive highest echelon of shoppers. Already I feel as though I am one of those people who wake up at 6 am and go for a jog.

And then I ate my weight watchers onion rings in front of the TV and that feeling passed. Weigh in tomorrow! Hope it's good news. And if it's not, it just means I have to try harder next week. That's all from me.

Blogging along, blogging along

Blog blog blog, I'm blogging again.

It's Monday. Things are fine. I want another weekend please.

Seriously. I have nothing more to add.

That was all going on and we never noticed

Well I'm all moved now. Sort of. I mean, I sleep in a new place. There is a bed here. And my clothes are scattered in suitcases around me. So I live in my new apartment more than I live anywhere else. But that is not to say that I feel like I really live here either.

I've always had a bit of trouble with transitions. I've never liked the in between. I love being asleep. And I love being awake. But I hate falling to sleep and I hate waking up. I love being in the shower, or being in the pool. And I'm good with being dry. But I hate being wet and waiting to dry. Right now, I know I'll love being in my apartment, but I'm hating the in between-ness of it all.

I'm one big mess of melancholy lately. It started when I packed up my comforter and it's been getting progressively worse. I miss my mom more than I thought I would. I mean she lives just down the road. I know I went away from home for college. But here I am, sitting at home just missing her so much, like I might never see her again or something. Which is ridiculous. Of course I'll see her again. Probably later this week.

Sometimes I feel like there is too much changing all at once, faster and faster, all around us and I want to grab time and say stop, I want to be in this moment for a bit longer. I want to rewind, jump back and do today again just because it was great. I want to try last year again and really appreciate it this time.

"It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed" - Our Town

I'm not trying to be depressing or anything. Last time I wrote about nostalgia for things I never actually had...this time I'm writing about real nostalgia. Wishing for life to be a way that it never will be again. (Er, so much for not being depressing.)

We can't hide at home forever though, forcing ourselves to act out a way of life just for consistencies sake. We have to try new things, move on, attempt to make new memories that are better than the past. And honestly, the more time I spend thinking on the past, the more I miss the present. Life goes on, and it should go on. Think of what we would miss if we stayed only where it felt safe and comfortable and easy.

Think of the places we would never go, the lives we would never lead, the loves we would never have, the flings that would never be flung. No one would act or sing or dance or create. No one would get married or fall in love at all because love is the least safe thing I know of. No one would move out, or move on. Life does keep moving, we do get older, we have to see everything we can in whatever time we have.

Next time I promise to write something much more uplifting. But I meant to just say that I am back online...I have internet once more and there can be blogging. And life is infinitely wonderful and infinitely sad and infinitely funny and I'm working on reconciling all that into a happy existence.

"Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. ...Do human beings ever realize life while they live it? — Every, every minute?" - Our Town

I leave you with this happy photo from my trip to Philly for the wedding of the year...


I think this photo asks the question, can you mix American Gothic and a wedding party? And I think the answer is yes. In fact, it makes it better.

Definitions of nostalgia and more

Do you ever feel intense nostalgia for something you never actually had? (Actually I'm not so sure you can feel nostalgia for something you never had, because I think nostalgia by definition* is missing or longing for something that you actually did have, but uh, I digress)

It happens to me most when I facebook stalk. (I know, it's a bad habit. But facebook makes it so easy!) Sometimes I facebook stalk people that I knew in college who are now semi (or wildly...just google Allison Case) successful in the theatre world. And I totally miss that life I had where I was a skilled musical theatre performer. Um. Only, I never had that life.

I wasn't ever a skilled musical theatre performer. In fact, I used to have panic attacks before every audition, and I made a conscious decision not to pursue performance because I knew I didn't have the passion and drive that I would need to make it. Also, I have sort of a weak voice and I can't belt very high and all I saw when I looked at myself were things that needed improvement. And yet. I have breathed theatre my whole life, grown up on the stage, felt the heat of stage lights, worked backstage and onstage and everywhere in between. It's not hard for me to imagine the life of a successful theatre artist.

I miss singing. I miss acting. I miss being around theatre. I like opera, don't get me wrong. I'm pleased to be working in opera. I like art in all it's forms. But oh, I miss the theatre.

When I stop imagining this life I might have had, I remember that my own life is very nice. I'm moving(!!!!). I have a great job. A job that some might even call glamorous. I have a boyfriend who I generally think is pretty cool. I live in the Bay Area, I work in San Francisco, I have good things in my life. But they seem so mundane compared to living in NYC, touring the country in musicals, traveling the world. I started this blog to start making some of my own dreams come true, but why is it so easy for me to be swayed by other people's dreams?

Is it because it's easier to have nostalgia for a life you never had than it is to make your life the one you want to live? Yeah....I think that's it.

One day, I will finish my book. I will finish my play. I will use the skills I actually possess and be successful doing what I love. I will finally get to travel the world and feel like my life is one of those ones worth envying. Or, I'll break down and move to New York like almost everyone I went to college with and I'll see if that makes a difference in how I feel. I have this sneaking suspicion I'd feel this way no matter what I was doing, no matter where I was. It's the plight of the writer to always be putting yourself in other people's shoes. Or it's my plight anyway.

Ugh I'm exhausted. Only two more days until the Pennsylvania wedding extravaganza (and my mini vacation to NYC)! Oh my. I haven't packed at all. See, I really should have facebook stalked less and packed more...oh well. That's all I have to say tonight.

*"The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form" Thanks Wikipedia.

It tasted so good at the time

AHHH! Moving!!! AHHH! Traveling to Pennsylvania!! AHHHHH!! I have no money!! AHHH! How will I get through this week????

I sort of feel...wiped out already. And it's Monday.

To combat this feeling of utter terror and panic I've been eating. For the record, that's not a great life plan. And in the end you feel bloated, fat and panicked. You can add a nice dollop of self loathing/pity/guilt to your panic that way. It's like a sundae of bad feelings. It tasted so good at the time.

I feel like the stress in my life right now is a totally valid excuse for overeating and ignoring my responsibilities. (Aka, I have yet to develop healthy and effective coping mechanisms, so let's stick to what hasn't worked so far, shall we?)

Aaaanyway, I plan to get back on track with life, eating, writing and living when any one thing in my life feels normal again. Seriously, I just packed up my comforter cover...not even my bed feels normal. You never realize how much a comforter cover define and comforts you until it's crumpled up in a pile of things to go to the new apartment. That's melancholy. That's what it is.

So uh, yeah. I'm hanging in there. I've stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, because I can't see it and it's depressing to know you're in a tunnel that's so long you can't see the end. But, soon I'll be at a fabulous wedding, eating food, drinking at the open bar and wishing I'd brought a bigger dress. Yes indeed. Just one week, one red eye and a whole lot of debt stands between me and that reality.

Stand by guys, the updates this week may be sporadic and as crazy sounding as this one.

This photo summed up how I felt. Don't ask me why. Just love them.

Being 12 again?

So, yes. It's been a while. In the last month or so a lot has happened. I'm still in shock a little bit and I don't really expect that there will be a lot of updating in the near future.

Since I last wrote...

• My beloved cat passed away. I still can't really type this without tearing up, so I'm not sure I can say more about it than that. I really loved her. I'd post a picture but then I'd weep uncontrollably. Amazing how cats become such a part of your family. She was 18 years old and it was her time, but I feel a whole lot of empty right now. My other cat (the fat one) is sleeping on my feet, possibly to help ease my sorrow. The feral cats (all 8 of them) are also doing their best to distract me with their spry catliness. But I miss my Cali. Aaand now I'm going to cry so moving on...
  
• I'm moving out. I know, right? Crazy! A goal accomplished. My childhood friend (and by childhood I mean our mothers met in a Lamaze class...so we've known each other since before we were born) called out of the blue and said he was looking for a roommate. Somehow we now have an apartment and we move next week? This induces intense panic in me. I know that I should be very pleased that at last my dreams are coming true, but instead all I feel is guilt at leaving my mom to live alone and panic that I will never be able to eat out again on my tight budget. And now I feel some shame at admitting that that's a big part of why I feel panic. I'm hoping that once we move in I will feel joy and elation rather than fear and unease.
  
• I've been rereading childhood favorites, such as everything Tamora Pierce has written and Harry Potter. Sometimes it's better to live in a different world. There is less panic and grief there. Things can be righted with magic and good generally triumphs in the end. This will all be good research for my own fantasy novel that I hope will one day transport other readers to a place that they would rather be.
  
• I went on an amazing Bachelorette EXTRAVAGANZA weekend in Napa with some of my closest friends. The bride-to-be had an amazing time and so did I. Even if I found myself drunk at 4:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. And even if I later discovered that I had spent $56 on wine. It was good wine. Really. I just don't remember ever considering the price...

So. There you have it. Blogging just had to take a backseat for a while. I've been too busy grieving, healing and panicking. All at once. It's fortunate that I have lovely people in my life who understand that a cat can be like family, that moving out is a really big scary deal and that sometimes we need to be 12 again. And at other times we need to be 21 again.

I will try to blog again soon.