Back to School

Well, I am almost healthy again. I am well on my way to health and happiness, although staying up late writing blog entries is probably not helpful in the long run.

Last week was just such a wash for me. I did nothing except have weird feverish dreams and watch like 30 netflix movies. But now that my illness has passed I feel sort of...revived? Like someone hit the reset button on my life I guess. It's autumn and the air is crisp and there is a fun back to school vibe in the air. The things that were stressing me out last week and last month are in the past now. I have fun plans for the weekend. Things look...hopeful.

I spent an hour cleaning my house tonight and it made me so happy. I love cleaning sometimes. I know...I'm a crazy person. But sometimes I just have to go scrub a bathtub.

Hopefully this feeling is a permanent change and not just some hormonal shift that will swing back around in a few days leaving me angry and confused.

That's all for now. I need some sleep.

I am a Bear?

I am just so sick. So so sick. Terrible, fever and bad dreams kind of sick. Sick in a way that makes me want to curl up and die.

Last night I had a dream that I was a bear. I woke up to go to the bathroom and realized that I was not just a bear, but a clan of bears. Each of my arms was a bear. And I knew somwhere in my mind that I was a person but I couldn't think of my name. And that was without any cold medicine at all.

Basically I'm cracking up.

If I ever get well, I will post again. Happy thoughts. About disneyland and good food.

I hope I don't hallucinate again tonight...

Fat, tired and possibly sick

Ugh, I am fat, possibly coming down with a cold and exhausted.

I also just spent the last 30 min entering online contests. And no, I won't tell you which ones, because I don't want you to enter too. That would lessen my chances of winning, and frankly I could use a windfall right now. Seriously. I never win anything anyway. Right now I'm feeling all hopeful and happy but nothing will come of it. I'll still be broke and fat and tired.

Speaking of being fat though, I am going to really buckle down on the weight watchers and the exercise starting tomorrow. (Yeah, I know. You've heard that before.) Really though. If I can't buckle down this week and really sustain this weight loss thing, it was just prove that I have no follow through and no self control.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little down right now. If you couldn't tell from that uplifting opening line. I just need to learn from my mistakes and see my small successes and move forward into a bright and happy future.

Ha. Yeah I'm just going to sleep. I'll be in Disneyland in 3 days and I bet things will feel lots better there. Goodnight for now.

Routine...what's that?

I have successfully made it to the gym! Er, I mean, I went to the gym. It was...not as bad as I expected. But unfortunately walking into the gym did not magically make me thin/beautiful/fit/stress free/happy. Nor did it change the fact that I ate an ice cream sand which today and I probably shouldn't have.

Informal poll: Is it ok to go to the gym, feel really good and then come home and eat macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for dinner? Does it change things if the mac and cheese was Annie's instant mac and cheese (made with real cheese) and the hot dogs were 98% fat free turkey dogs? If I had a pudding cup for dessert, does that negate any good I may have done today?

If only life sorted itself out neatly for us. I feel like in elementary school it did. Actually even in middle school and high school my days were neatly ordered, laid out in front of me. Yeah waking up was bad. But I always knew what came next. Someone made my food for me (which is probably why I was skinny when I was little). They made time in the day for physical activity. The day always went in an orderly fashion. A nice routine.

No one tells you that when you get out of school you have to make your own routine. And that you will probably lack self discipline and find yourself in front of the TV eating mac and cheese and instead of it being great like you always dreamed, you will be stressing about how fat you are and your boyfriend will change the channel to watch the baseball game.

Anyway, on the plus side, my performance review went really well today and I am apparently a fabulous employee!! I got extra points for being personable and creative. Excellent!

Ugh, I'm going to be tired tomorrow. Stayed up too late watching British TV dramas and now will be late to work again. At least it's Friday!

Ranch Dressing and anxiety

I lost two pounds this week! Also I got hit on on the BART train today. I'm positive that the two were related. Obviously I am much more beautiful now that I am two pounds thinner. (Except that I'm not two pounds thinner anymore because I went out to dinner with my friend Rowyn and gained them all back...in french fries).

But in honor of weigh in day, a recommendation for you all.... Follow Your Heart Low Fat Ranch Dressing!

I have to confess that this is actually my favorite ranch dressing. Like out of all ranch dressings. Even Brady agrees. It's just yummy. It just also happens to be 1 weight watchers point. For 4 tablespoons. You can buy it here. Or at your local Lucky store. (Follow Your Heart...if you want to pay me for the advertising...I'm ready to accept your money, although I will love your product even if I never get paid to talk about it.)

Sometimes when I discover amazing foods like this one, I wonder, why are there so many fattening foods out there? We have the power to make things that taste like this...rich, creamy, yummy...without all the fat and the calories and yet... I mean when you actually go to the store and look at nutrition information it totally makes sense that there are so many people struggling with obesity. Not that I'm trying to get on any soapbox about obesity. It's just, why not make foods that are low fat and delicious? Foods that don't make you feel like you are dieting even though you are. I get that butter needs fat to taste good. I understand that cheese just tastes funny the lower fat it is. But surely, there are also some foods that could be better for you with minimal effort. Right? Although, don't get me started on low fat cheese. That stuff doesn't taste right.

Anyway. I also restarted my gym membership yesterday with the intention of going to the gym today. I didn't. I am suddenly afraid that once again I have succumbed to the beautiful image of how great it will be when I go to the gym without any real hope of making it to said gym. Soon mounting gym costs will make me feel increasingly more guilty as I make more excuses for why I don't have time to go to the gym all the while knowing that the real reason I can't go is just that I've built it up in my head so much that I am paralyzed with fear of actually going to the gym. And by the time I get there, I have unrealistic expectations for what I should be doing there and so I will always feel like I should be getting more out of my membership. And ultimately I will decide the gym is too old/ugly/dirty/crowded/full of fit people and convince myself that that's why I never go as if the gym is the problem rather than myself. Ugh, so basically I joined the gym to help lower my stress but have ended up adding to my stress levels exponentially.

Now I'm tired from thinking about food and all the pressures of not working out. Ugh performance review tomorrow at work on top of everything else.

Oh birthdays

Ok universe. It's not really so funny anymore.

My checking account has been compromised and my current balance is negative $900. I don't even want to get into the details of how this all happened, but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my negligence that led to some very stupid person (who I hope will be summarily ARRESTED for being a complete IDIOT) stealing a card that allowed them access to my account. Really I hope karma comes back to get this mystery person who stole the card from my dad. I really do. I hope that the person who stole my money 2 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY really feels it. I hope that on his birthday he gets swine flu. Or I hope that everyone forgets his birthday. Or I hope that he gets charged a lot of random overdraft fees.

(Aw man, I'm no good at being mean. I imagined the poor thief on his birthday, not getting any calls or cards or presents, and then I felt like I understood why he was reduced to thievery. I mean, no one really cares about him. I bet he didn't have a good homelife. Maybe I take it back about the whole forgetting his birthday thing. I just hope he feels as bad as I do right now.)

ANYWAY. There is some concern about whether or not I'll be able to pay my rent now that I have negative money in my account, so that's a nice birthday gift.
Also, I keep gaining weight (which is probably because I just keep eating) and I'm becoming obsessed with trying to count points only to blow it all on one delicious italian feast.

Also all my bills are coming in right now and I have NO MONEY.

And tomorrow is my birthday. Sigh. Well last year I had swine flu. I guess we're building up to something really great for 26. But 25 is destined to be overshadowed by money trouble. I hope that's not indicative of the rest of the year.
Hopefully I'll have a happy post tomorrow. Something about how great my birthday turned out, despite the inauspicious beginnings.

I'm going to go play some plants vs. zombies and then try to sleep. Happy birthday to me....

There's a zombie on your laaaaawwn...don't want the zombies on your laaaawn....

Foods I love.. a series

Ok guys. Today at Lucky, a DIFFERENT checker said "You watching what you eat?" after ringing me up. Either I look huge, or I am one healthy shopper.

Alas I did sort of break down in the frozen foods aisle, so not all my food is fresh fruits and veggies. But weight watchers success will be mine!!!!

It's my birthday next Tuesday, so people keep offering to take me out to eat. Which will be sort of detrimental to my weight watching I think. So I think I should just bask in that healthy shopping glow and promise to definitely eat better in October...

All right, all right, I'll also promise to TRY and eat well despite being taken out to eat.

I was thinking on Wednesdays, in honor of my weight in day, I would tell you about some foods I love. But then I didn't blog yesterday (nor did I lose weight at my weigh in...), so we will begin this new tradition on a Thursday. Today's post is brought to you by one of my favorite low fat wonderful products:


Naturally Yours Non Fat Sour Cream. IT'S MAGIC!!! HOW DO THEY DO IT?!!

Ok, so we've been eating this sour cream since I was a kid. It's that good. I was eating it before I was dieting. My boyfriend says it tastes a little like yogurt. And I admit if you eat some real sour cream, and then you eat this, you'll realize that there is a difference. But if you don't eat some real sour cream right before you eat this, you won't be able to tell the difference. So, um yes. I love this stuff. I ate some tonight. 2 weight watchers points for 1/4 cup. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Seriously, it's hard not to love it. Just look at that cute cow painted package. Aaaand that is all from me for tonight.

Successes where I can get them

So, sometimes I need to just take whatever success I can get.

I went shopping today for dinner. I take a long time to shop lately because a) I am shopping for myself and have to think about things like, "will I eat this before it goes bad" and "what can I buy now to eat later this week" and "do I have enough food in my house right now," b) I'm trying to budget like crazy and not spend all my money on food and c) I've been really really trying to be good at weight watchers and have been reading labels like crazy. So my shopping trips have become...an adventure all their own. Often I find myself talking out loud, muttering about the cost of some item, or weighing the pros and cons of a particular food item. Today, as I pondered the hamburger buns I said out loud, "Oh! 6 grams of fiber. That's great." The woman next to me didn't actually know what to make of that.

So when I checked out today, I had pretty much bonded with my food. I had labored over each broccoli head (to buy a floret or a whole broccoli...time vs. money...epic battle of head versus heart) and I knew every nutritional fact. The woman who checked me out looked over my items (my whole wheat buns, my veggie burgers, my broccoli, my glorious high fiber english muffins, my decadent low fat whipped cream) and said "Everything you bought was low fat or low in calories! You're one healthy eater!"

And I felt the warm glow of a job well done. The warmth of false modesty settled around me as I tried to deny it. It was a great moment. Today I felt good when I sat down to watch the Biggest Loser...I had been pegged as one of those healthy eaters. That elusive highest echelon of shoppers. Already I feel as though I am one of those people who wake up at 6 am and go for a jog.

And then I ate my weight watchers onion rings in front of the TV and that feeling passed. Weigh in tomorrow! Hope it's good news. And if it's not, it just means I have to try harder next week. That's all from me.

Blogging along, blogging along

Blog blog blog, I'm blogging again.

It's Monday. Things are fine. I want another weekend please.

Seriously. I have nothing more to add.

That was all going on and we never noticed

Well I'm all moved now. Sort of. I mean, I sleep in a new place. There is a bed here. And my clothes are scattered in suitcases around me. So I live in my new apartment more than I live anywhere else. But that is not to say that I feel like I really live here either.

I've always had a bit of trouble with transitions. I've never liked the in between. I love being asleep. And I love being awake. But I hate falling to sleep and I hate waking up. I love being in the shower, or being in the pool. And I'm good with being dry. But I hate being wet and waiting to dry. Right now, I know I'll love being in my apartment, but I'm hating the in between-ness of it all.

I'm one big mess of melancholy lately. It started when I packed up my comforter and it's been getting progressively worse. I miss my mom more than I thought I would. I mean she lives just down the road. I know I went away from home for college. But here I am, sitting at home just missing her so much, like I might never see her again or something. Which is ridiculous. Of course I'll see her again. Probably later this week.

Sometimes I feel like there is too much changing all at once, faster and faster, all around us and I want to grab time and say stop, I want to be in this moment for a bit longer. I want to rewind, jump back and do today again just because it was great. I want to try last year again and really appreciate it this time.

"It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed" - Our Town

I'm not trying to be depressing or anything. Last time I wrote about nostalgia for things I never actually had...this time I'm writing about real nostalgia. Wishing for life to be a way that it never will be again. (Er, so much for not being depressing.)

We can't hide at home forever though, forcing ourselves to act out a way of life just for consistencies sake. We have to try new things, move on, attempt to make new memories that are better than the past. And honestly, the more time I spend thinking on the past, the more I miss the present. Life goes on, and it should go on. Think of what we would miss if we stayed only where it felt safe and comfortable and easy.

Think of the places we would never go, the lives we would never lead, the loves we would never have, the flings that would never be flung. No one would act or sing or dance or create. No one would get married or fall in love at all because love is the least safe thing I know of. No one would move out, or move on. Life does keep moving, we do get older, we have to see everything we can in whatever time we have.

Next time I promise to write something much more uplifting. But I meant to just say that I am back online...I have internet once more and there can be blogging. And life is infinitely wonderful and infinitely sad and infinitely funny and I'm working on reconciling all that into a happy existence.

"Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. ...Do human beings ever realize life while they live it? — Every, every minute?" - Our Town

I leave you with this happy photo from my trip to Philly for the wedding of the year...


I think this photo asks the question, can you mix American Gothic and a wedding party? And I think the answer is yes. In fact, it makes it better.

Definitions of nostalgia and more

Do you ever feel intense nostalgia for something you never actually had? (Actually I'm not so sure you can feel nostalgia for something you never had, because I think nostalgia by definition* is missing or longing for something that you actually did have, but uh, I digress)

It happens to me most when I facebook stalk. (I know, it's a bad habit. But facebook makes it so easy!) Sometimes I facebook stalk people that I knew in college who are now semi (or wildly...just google Allison Case) successful in the theatre world. And I totally miss that life I had where I was a skilled musical theatre performer. Um. Only, I never had that life.

I wasn't ever a skilled musical theatre performer. In fact, I used to have panic attacks before every audition, and I made a conscious decision not to pursue performance because I knew I didn't have the passion and drive that I would need to make it. Also, I have sort of a weak voice and I can't belt very high and all I saw when I looked at myself were things that needed improvement. And yet. I have breathed theatre my whole life, grown up on the stage, felt the heat of stage lights, worked backstage and onstage and everywhere in between. It's not hard for me to imagine the life of a successful theatre artist.

I miss singing. I miss acting. I miss being around theatre. I like opera, don't get me wrong. I'm pleased to be working in opera. I like art in all it's forms. But oh, I miss the theatre.

When I stop imagining this life I might have had, I remember that my own life is very nice. I'm moving(!!!!). I have a great job. A job that some might even call glamorous. I have a boyfriend who I generally think is pretty cool. I live in the Bay Area, I work in San Francisco, I have good things in my life. But they seem so mundane compared to living in NYC, touring the country in musicals, traveling the world. I started this blog to start making some of my own dreams come true, but why is it so easy for me to be swayed by other people's dreams?

Is it because it's easier to have nostalgia for a life you never had than it is to make your life the one you want to live? Yeah....I think that's it.

One day, I will finish my book. I will finish my play. I will use the skills I actually possess and be successful doing what I love. I will finally get to travel the world and feel like my life is one of those ones worth envying. Or, I'll break down and move to New York like almost everyone I went to college with and I'll see if that makes a difference in how I feel. I have this sneaking suspicion I'd feel this way no matter what I was doing, no matter where I was. It's the plight of the writer to always be putting yourself in other people's shoes. Or it's my plight anyway.

Ugh I'm exhausted. Only two more days until the Pennsylvania wedding extravaganza (and my mini vacation to NYC)! Oh my. I haven't packed at all. See, I really should have facebook stalked less and packed more...oh well. That's all I have to say tonight.

*"The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form" Thanks Wikipedia.

It tasted so good at the time

AHHH! Moving!!! AHHH! Traveling to Pennsylvania!! AHHHHH!! I have no money!! AHHH! How will I get through this week????

I sort of feel...wiped out already. And it's Monday.

To combat this feeling of utter terror and panic I've been eating. For the record, that's not a great life plan. And in the end you feel bloated, fat and panicked. You can add a nice dollop of self loathing/pity/guilt to your panic that way. It's like a sundae of bad feelings. It tasted so good at the time.

I feel like the stress in my life right now is a totally valid excuse for overeating and ignoring my responsibilities. (Aka, I have yet to develop healthy and effective coping mechanisms, so let's stick to what hasn't worked so far, shall we?)

Aaaanyway, I plan to get back on track with life, eating, writing and living when any one thing in my life feels normal again. Seriously, I just packed up my comforter cover...not even my bed feels normal. You never realize how much a comforter cover define and comforts you until it's crumpled up in a pile of things to go to the new apartment. That's melancholy. That's what it is.

So uh, yeah. I'm hanging in there. I've stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, because I can't see it and it's depressing to know you're in a tunnel that's so long you can't see the end. But, soon I'll be at a fabulous wedding, eating food, drinking at the open bar and wishing I'd brought a bigger dress. Yes indeed. Just one week, one red eye and a whole lot of debt stands between me and that reality.

Stand by guys, the updates this week may be sporadic and as crazy sounding as this one.

This photo summed up how I felt. Don't ask me why. Just love them.

Being 12 again?

So, yes. It's been a while. In the last month or so a lot has happened. I'm still in shock a little bit and I don't really expect that there will be a lot of updating in the near future.

Since I last wrote...

• My beloved cat passed away. I still can't really type this without tearing up, so I'm not sure I can say more about it than that. I really loved her. I'd post a picture but then I'd weep uncontrollably. Amazing how cats become such a part of your family. She was 18 years old and it was her time, but I feel a whole lot of empty right now. My other cat (the fat one) is sleeping on my feet, possibly to help ease my sorrow. The feral cats (all 8 of them) are also doing their best to distract me with their spry catliness. But I miss my Cali. Aaand now I'm going to cry so moving on...
  
• I'm moving out. I know, right? Crazy! A goal accomplished. My childhood friend (and by childhood I mean our mothers met in a Lamaze class...so we've known each other since before we were born) called out of the blue and said he was looking for a roommate. Somehow we now have an apartment and we move next week? This induces intense panic in me. I know that I should be very pleased that at last my dreams are coming true, but instead all I feel is guilt at leaving my mom to live alone and panic that I will never be able to eat out again on my tight budget. And now I feel some shame at admitting that that's a big part of why I feel panic. I'm hoping that once we move in I will feel joy and elation rather than fear and unease.
  
• I've been rereading childhood favorites, such as everything Tamora Pierce has written and Harry Potter. Sometimes it's better to live in a different world. There is less panic and grief there. Things can be righted with magic and good generally triumphs in the end. This will all be good research for my own fantasy novel that I hope will one day transport other readers to a place that they would rather be.
  
• I went on an amazing Bachelorette EXTRAVAGANZA weekend in Napa with some of my closest friends. The bride-to-be had an amazing time and so did I. Even if I found myself drunk at 4:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. And even if I later discovered that I had spent $56 on wine. It was good wine. Really. I just don't remember ever considering the price...

So. There you have it. Blogging just had to take a backseat for a while. I've been too busy grieving, healing and panicking. All at once. It's fortunate that I have lovely people in my life who understand that a cat can be like family, that moving out is a really big scary deal and that sometimes we need to be 12 again. And at other times we need to be 21 again.

I will try to blog again soon.

Voices from another dimension

Well the bad news is, I'm going to be a chubby out of shape girl forever. But the good news is, I may be a chubby girl with a finished novel one day!

Yes, that day has finally come. Not the day that I finish my novel. But the day that I actually write a bit of it again. I'm up to 114 pages. And I honestly believe that about 4 pages are good usable writing. But that's what the editing is for.

Maybe this is just me, but I write much better as it gets later at night. As everyone in my house falls asleep, and I start to get sleepy, I slip into a different world. I sometimes feel like writing is a surreal alternate reality that we get to slip into now and again and if we are lucky, we come back from that place with a story. But really the process of writing is a little like letting yourself go crazy and then bringing yourself back from it. At least, that's my process. I let myself be a complete schizophrenic for a few hours, thinking other people's thoughts, trying on other people's minds for a while. And the more I let myself go there and become someone else, the better my writing is. When I come out of my trance-like state I realize that time has been going onwards, but I haven't really been in it. I've been somewhere else. It feels like only minutes have passed.

Perhaps the truth is that I am just insane. I find that to be an entirely plausible truth. But I like to think I get to spend a little time in another world. And the further I go into that world, the more I bring back with me.

In other news: I have to go get an MRI tomorrow just to make sure those dizzy spells I was talking about aren't some kind of tumor. Fun. If your idea of fun is terrible. Actually I've had a lot going on, and I'm sort of overwhelmed by it all. Which is why my blogging has really dropped off. But there's always tomorrow. Perhaps there will be more blogging then.

Smiles and creepers

Do you ever stop and think about how a little human contact can change your day?  I was walking to work yesterday and some guy stopped me to ask for directions to the Conservatory of Music.  And I felt really nice being able to help someone (not to mention super cool for actually knowing my way around San Francisco well enough to tell him.  It's like I'm a local!)  He smiled and said thank you.  He was clean and soft spoken and I imagine he was some type of musician.  And I thought, yes, that's who I am.  I am Alex, the kind of person who helps young artists. 

On the same subject though, a little human contact can also really ruin your day.  Like the crazy homeless guy who started swearing at me about Jesus Christ because I smiled at him.  That was upsetting.  Or the creeper on BART the other day who was resting his arm on my hip.  Imagine waking up from a nap to find some older gentleman resting his arm on your person.  I tried to scoot away but he kept his arm firmly pressed against me.  That was one of those human interactions that really made me wonder about people. 

My point was actually going to be that you should smile and reach out to your fellow man, but now that I've remembered those last two incidents, I think maybe I should just say to be careful out there.  I mean it was nice that the musician turned out to not be crazy, but he could have asked me for money instead of directions and then it would have been just another morning in San Francisco. 

But no, really, I believe in kindness.  But not in creepy old guys.  I just don't believe in them.  Have a good night folks. 

Fun with fillers

I'm back from the spas of Calistoga and while I don't entirely feel like a whole new person, it was a fantastic trip.  We swam, we bathed in mud, we sampled local beer, we slept in a hotel that was retro chic...all in all I have no complaints.  Well ok, one complaint.  Why can't I be on vacation all the time.  One weekend away was too short!

I will post some pictures soon.  Sorry, there are no pictures of Brady and me in the mud like that cheesy couple in my earlier post.  Brady wouldn't let me ask the spa attendant to take a photo.  He said that was tacky.  Brady, the guy who wanted the couples mud bath, thought that a photo somehow made it cheesy....as if it could really get any cheesier...but anyway.

Anyway, this is sort of just a filler post to say, soon there will be pictures and soon there will be stories, but for now there will be sleeping.

Also, in case this is breaking or unexpected news to anyone, I ate badly.  Tomorrow's weigh in will be disappointing.  (I moved my weigh in to Wednesday...in case anyone was confused by that...)

Sick and dizzy

Tomorrow at 12:30 I will be having my spa mud adventure. And I have a cold...

This is terrible news. I am very bummed about having a cold. I hate colds. I am determined to still enjoy my spa getaway, despite the cold. I am hoping that the mineral waters will heal me and I will feel like a new woman. Right now I'm drinking so much water/tea/liquid that I am peeing every five minutes, but I can feel the virus getting flooded out. (Is that an overshare? Can I talk about peeing?)

Anyway, I'm super out of it at present because I of the cold and the 60 mg Pseuophedrine (sp?) that the doctor gave me to help with my dizzy spells. Did I mention that I've been having dizzy spells the last few weeks? My doctor is trying to figure out what's up with that, and she thought maybe it was congestion? Anyway, I'm dizzy and sick and medicated. Wohooo!

What was I even saying? I'm not sure. I've lost my train of thought. Tomorrow at this time I hope to be drinking fancy drinks in downtown Calistoga. When I get back, I will tell all. For now, I think maybe a healing nap is in order.

How you know you need a vacation and other thoughts

I am craving an adventure type/beach type/big time vacation. I want to get on a plane and spend weeks on a beach or a mountain. As you know, I have instead planned a trip during which I will play in the mud. (In fact according to blogger's stat counter, that was my most viewed blog post of all time...must have been those cheesy faces in the picture) But that desire to travel cannot be quelled. Today the universe told me that I must go forth and travel.

Each day I take the San Francisco Airport bound BART train. Each morning as we get closer to San Francisco, I see happy people climb on board with their suitcases nicely packed, excitement on their faces. This daily occurrence is beginning to get unbearable. Watching those happy couples double check their name tags and their tickets, anxiously awaiting that moment when the vacation really begins. And then there's me in the corner.

I don't need to tell you that there is never a morning where I glow with pre-vacation glow, or any kind of glow for that matter. Unless it's the glow of sweat because the train air conditioning is acting up and I am still wearing my coat. In fact, most mornings I spend a lot of time getting dressed and ready, ironing my clothes, doing my hair only to fall asleep on the BART train. I usually wake up just before my stop to find that my hair is sticking up at odd angles, my clothes are a rumpled mess and I've been sleeping like a bag lady under my old coat with the ripped lining. Those happy vacationers are mocking me, and oh how I long to be one of them.

Today after I got off the train, I heard the sound of the Andes mountains...a pan pipe and guitar making beautiful music together, reminding me of Chocolat and mystical journeys into the mist. Who were those magical musicians? I have never seen them in the BART station before, never heard their mystical sounds. They were wonderful. Not just some hacks begging for change; these men were talented. I realized then that the universe was telling me to go, go to the mountains. The suitcases were just act one of a great universal message. Go to Maccu Piccu. Who's with me???!!!

Long weekend

This weekend was long. Long as in, I had an extra day off. Long as in, I crammed too much in to too little time. Long as in I feel completely wiped out. Today we made it to bodega bay and we settled into a sand dune and listened to the waves. It was a misty, grey and cold, but it was a beach and I was happy to be there.

I can't help but feel though, that it might have been more relaxing to spend a day in bed instead of traipsing about the countryside and clambering over sand dunes. But then again, very little can beat the sound of crashing waves and the feel of sand under your feet. Ah, to be on a long beach vacation.

I will say this though: I am so lucky to have the friends and family that I do. To have friends that would giggle at the prospect of spending time getting lost with my family is just more than I could ever hope for. And to have a family that would consider driving over a lit firework (true story) is...well that's very special too. And to have a boyfriend who looks at a drive to Bodega Bay as an adventure instead of a stupid idea since there are beaches much closer, that's pretty awesome too.

Yes, I may be crazy, and awkward, but I have a great team to travel down the awkward road of life with. I mean, look at these people. These are the people you want to spend some time with.

That was a great birthday America. Way to go. And happy birthday again Andy. And thanks friends, for being crazy enough to hang out with me. Who knew independence day made me so thankful?

Some thoughts on Independence

Happy Independence Day everyone! Ever since I fell in love with the musical 1776, today has been an extra special day for me. Filled with singing and laughter and lots of food.

It also happens to be my Dad's birthday. So its kind of a big deal around here.

Today, I'm gearing myself up for a triathlon of shopping, cooking and eating, and I'm trying to do it the weight watchers way. Look, you make me plan a party, I'm going to make it the way I want it. I'll take suggestions, and try to think of others, but I'm making sure I'm happy.

Ok to be fair, part of that whole, well fine, I'm doing it my way attitude comes from the fact that although everyone else in the family has lots of free time or is on summer vacation, I am the one planning this party. I am the only one who had to work all this week, but in my spare time I was putting together a birthday/independence day celebration/gambling party of epic proportions. Oh and also, I had to work at my other Dad's benefit gala block party thing all day yesterday for the theatre company that I used to work for. Which was incredibly awkward. Nothing like coming back to a group of people who make it totally clear you no longer belong. And forget to feed you dinner. It sort of goes against the whole independence thing to be told what to do all day and have to swallow your complaints. I was ready to rebel!

Anyway, my point is, this weekend is/was/will be like all sorts of crazy and yet, I have my eyes on the prize. And that prize is weight watchers stuffed mushrooms. They are great, I promise. I'll post the recipe some time, because weight watchers or not, they are some of the best stuffed mushrooms I've ever had. You can try them and disagree if you want. But I'll never stop loving them.

And on Monday, I finally get to do something for me. I'm going up to Bodega Bay and resting in a sand dune. For hours. With my favorite sandwhich from my favorite sandwhich shop. And the sound of the ocean just over my shoulder. Yes, that is the real prize. 24 hours of doing exactly what I want to do, with the people I want to be with.


Finally, freedom will be mine! Enjoy your own independence today. I hope you too can find a way to break free.

Napa Valley Madness

I'm a terrible blogger. I'm even pretty bad at wii it turns out. Commitment is not my strongest suit. Well unless we're talking about commitment to other people...I'm very committed to people...even if I forget to call most of my friends. But I mean if you asked Brady he would say I am committed. Perhaps too committed really. Or should be committed...as in to an insane asylum. But my point is that I haven't really stuck to any of my grand plans, although I am feebly trying to stick to weight watchers with a sort of depressing determination made all the more sad by my constant failures.

But that's not what I'm here to write about today folks. Nope. No more complaining about my lack of follow through.

Brady and I are going on a Napa Valley spa weekend. And in trying to select a place to stay and a place to spa I learned some important things. Should you ever try to plan a spa retreat to napa valley, you would do well to know these things too:

1) You can't stay in Napa for just one Saturday night. Apparently, it's just not done. You may want to stay just Saturday night, but you will inevitably be disappointed by the "Minimum 2-night stay" notices posted on every website. Seriously, it's bad news when even the Best Western has a 2 night minimum.

2) If you find a place that will allow you to stay for one night, they will charge you much more than you ever wanted to spend to stay at something that looks like a 1950's motel. Even if you opt for the places that yelp claims are basically disgusting, you'll be paying $150 a night. And what's more, you'll be thinking, wow that's cheap.

3) Just set aside about $400 for this excursion. It's gonna be expensive. Your boyfriend...er, whoever you are going with... better like his birthday getaway. Like, a lot.

4) If mudbaths are your thing, or if they are your entire reason for picking Calistoga as a vacation destination, you should know that most places require you to get naked in front of strangers. Apparently, you have to do the mudbath with someone that you don't know. I have this horrifying image of being naked with a stranger, trying to climb into a tall tub filled with hot mud and then trying to get out again, covered in mud and slipping around as I am wont to do. I think the funniest image is trying to wash the mud off (and out of some of my more sensitive areas) while another naked lady does the same. Anyway, when I told Brady, he was horrified and told me to find a place where we could be together. I did. Which brings me to...

5) If you find a couples mudbath place....it's going to be sort of tacky. I wouldn't think that would be the case in such a swanky town, but, well, I've looked at them all. I've read every yelp review. It's just sort of tacky to take mud baths with your boyfriend. I'm learning to deal.

6) By the time you finish planning your insane vacation you will need a spa vacation. Which is lucky, since hopefully, you were successful in your planning.

So Brady and I are staying here:


And we will be doing this:


Yep. See what I mean about cheesy?

Anyway, the trip is still a week away, so I'll have to let you know how it goes. It's an adventure.

Wii-tastic!

It's amazing how good I feel after one week of really trying. I have been following my food plan and working out on my wii fit. And I'm losing weight. And I don't feel like I'm a failure!

Who knew that weird japanese games would change my life?

I actually pulled an arm muscle playing that weird chicken game, so I'm steering clear for a while. Wii can be dangerous apparently. I'm sticking to the hula hooping game.

The one thing I'm not feeling proud of is my writing. I made a commitment when I started this blog to write everyday. I wanted to write in this blog, write my stories, write write write. And I also wanted to lose weight. Maybe I just can't tackle that many goals at once. Maybe I needed to get the eating and exercise thing under control first. Or maybe, my exercise and dieting foibles are more fun to write about.

I've been seriously considering grad school lately because I want so badly to be writing more and have it be my life. And I know that only I can make it my life, but I can't deny that all the other things (money, jobs, travel, family) get in the way. And in graduate school, no matter how hard it was, I'd be there to write. All the time. I'd live it.

Ok, I won't lie, as good as that sounds, it also terrifies me. What if, in that environment, I was finally found out. What if everyone realized that I'm a theatre major posing as an english geek? What if everyone realized that I wasn't really much of a writer? What if I didn't even get in anywhere?

Oh self doubt, what a terrible web you weave. Keeping me in my place. Only I'm not loving this place I'm currently in. What's wrong with pushing the boundaries a little?

On that pensive note, I think I might write a little on this lovely Saturday. Maybe writing will help me get my head on straight. And then tomorrow I can tell more funny stories about me falling off the wii balance board (which may or may not have happened.)

One thing leads to another

My family acquired a wii fit this past weekend and things are really looking up.  Isn't it funny how one good thing leads to other good things?  This silly little video game burns 100 calories an hour doing piddly little low intensity workout games.  That's really not that many calories.  And yet, I feel unreasonably proud.  Today was day two of my new wii fit regime.  My little wii board guide congratulated me on sticking with it two days in a row.  And I felt like I was a fitness guru!  I felt so skinny!!
And because I feel so active and fit, it makes me want to track my food and eat like the fitness guru that I am.  Suddenly I'm planning meals and eating carefully and day dreaming about how I can't wait to beat my step aerobic score when I get home from work. 

So instead of watching an hour of house hunters international, I'm up and moving.  Which is this tiny tiny change.  But it might be the tiny change that leads to a skinny new me.

Could this be the start of me actually achieving some goals and losing some weight?  Will this be the obsession that lasts?  Could we finally see some progress?  Am I finally choosing my own adventure?  Turn to page 83 to find out! (aka, check back in a month or so and we'll see.  I've had promising weight loss epiphanies before, and look how they turned out).

On a sadder note, when I weighed in on my wii fit, my little mii character grew a belly because I am overweight.  So now my mom's wii is skinny and fit and mine is chubby, like me.  And my animated trainer is obsessed with posture.  Is that what they worry about in Japan?  Posture?  No one is overweight there, so it's about focusing on standing up straight?  Oh Japan... at least the wii fit games aren't as bizzare as cooking mama....

The deviiiil is heeeeeere!  She's here and she's angry that you can't saute!!



 

You may have noticed that the look of this blog has changed a bit. I felt it was time. I wanted something new. I haven't found it yet.

I'm going to keep tweaking. For a blog titled "Life is Awkward" it's looking a little...zen. Spa like. It needs to look more like me. I'm working on it. I'll get there eventually. I just couldn't stare at the polka dots anymore. They were coming to get me I tell you!

Tonight my family and I played a board game (called Wits and Wagers) that involves guessing the answer to a bunch of obscure questions. I won't get into the details, but to make the game work, all the answers to all the questions are numbers of some kind. It turns out that when it comes to numbers, I don't have a clue.

One question asked what the record for most snowfall in one day was, in inches. I said 12 inches. The answer was 152*. Another question asked how far the longest recorded long jump was, in feet and inches. I said 6 feet. The answer was 48 feet*. My family looked at me sadly and said, it's ok, we still love you. My mom said, "I think even I can jump 6 feet." Thanks mom, thanks for not ridiculing me. And how was I supposed to know that we changed the voting age to 18 after the Vietnam war? I stand by my answer of 1902...I mean I would stand by it if I didn't now know that it was wrong.

But I was so right about Braille being invented in the early 1800's and if Brady had listened to me**, we would have won the whole game. HAHA! I was right about something! Thank you 4th grade report on the deaf and blind. (Speaking of which, that was an awesome report. I got to visit guide dog puppies at the guide dog training facility, learn the braille alphabet and learn sign language. I made big posters of the braille and sign language alphabet to use as visual aids and showed pictures of the puppies for dramatic effect. Was I an overachiever...yes. But did that report rock and help me years later in family game night? Yes, yes it did.)

Oh family game night...why must you tear families apart? I mean, we just don't play RISK at all anymore. It broke my family about 6 years ago, and we've never really healed. (For the record though, if we had defended Australia like I said, we wouldn't have been killed so viciously. Whoever said you can't win playing defense was not talking about the game of RISK.)

This has been a completely ridiculous post. Thank you for listening. I apologize for the lack of finesse and writing skill in this particular entry. I'll strive for better in the future.

*This is a completely rough estimate and should not be taken as fact.

** Brady, and everyone else in my family, thought that Braille was invented in the 1940's for some reason. This makes no sense to me, but apparently they all thought that Hellen Keller invented it. This is not so.

Choose your own adventure

I went to San Diego this past long weekend and managed to do nothing but eat and drink for three days straight. It was, as you might imagine, my dream vacation and I wish that there were more 3 day weekends each year. Oh if only every weekend were three days. But I digress.

I used to love those choose your own adventure books. I hear they don't really make them anymore and I'm sad to hear it, although I can see why they might stop making them. I will sort of forever be haunted by the Apollo 13 choose your own adventure book in which I died in space more than once.

Did anyone really read those books the way they were supposed to be read? I never committed to a page choice until I had read ahead to make sure that page 14 was not the one where the space ship crashed and I died. I always held my finger on page 37, just in case I needed to jump back and make a different choice. I always felt it wasn't a real choice until you let go of the previous page. Sometimes I had my fingers holding several pages open at once so that I could try all the possible options.

Actually, come to think of it, those books made me really nervous. It brought a whole new possibility of failure to the reading experience. Instead of being guided by an author to a logical conclusion, danger lurked around every page turn. And choices that seemed like the right one often led to a hole in the space ship that killed you instantly (can you tell I was really hung up on the Apollo 13 book?)


I was going to say that the way I read those books is a great metaphor for how I live my life. But in fact, life IS a choose your own adventure novel. It's not even a metaphor. We DO choose our own adventures. And if you keep your finger on the earlier page you can't really move on to the next choice. Deep huh?

Anyway, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. The way we need to choose our own paths. I've been feeling like I'm at one of those turn the page moments and I'm not sure which page to turn to. The old anxiety is back...which choice leads to a happy ending and which one leads to certain death??!!

You are feeling fat and unmotivated. Your commute is stressful. Your weight watchers membership comes with great recipes and food plan ideas, but you've been watching your favorite TV show, and the lead female makes you want to work out and get toned. However, you aren't sure you can make time to exercise on top of your busy schedule. You also feel like perhaps graduate school would be a good idea before you get too old. Plus then you would have more time to work out. And you keep looking at apartments online, thinking that if you live closer to work, you will feel better about life in general.

If you choose to start tracking your food and eating extremely well despite temptations, turn to page 13.

If you choose to start exercising with your library of exercise videos each morning, turn to page 42.

If you choose to reinstate your gym membership and start going to the gym each night turn to page 12.

If you decide to forget about weight loss and apply to graduate creative writing programs, turn to page 45.

If you decide to find an apartment first, turn to page 34.

What to do? Perhaps no choice at all....

Picture this

Yes, it has been FOREVER since I wrote. I know. I've been too busy eating poorly, not sleeping and watching bad TV to write. I'm such a winner.

I have a bit of a cold that is sapping ALL of my energy right now, so I feel like a truck hit me in the head and I've been drugged to dull the pain. Luckily my boss suggested I work from home today, so I am trying to beat this bug before it begins. I need to write a fabulous write up of the Merola Gala on the Merola Blog, but I thought I'd just check in here first. Yes, I am alive, yes, I am almost back to my old self and yes, I finally have a picture of my ballgown.

Just ignore my fat arms and the fact that I did not lose any weight in time for the gala. Oh well. :-P

The brightest crayon in the classroom

I meant to go to bed early. And I also meant to blog earlier. Ah well, the best laid plans...

I actually can't remember how the rest of that phrase goes. I think I always sort of trail off meaningfully at the end and never finish it. As if to say, conspiratorially, yes, you know what happens to the best laid plans. I needn't tell you. But really I'm thinking, I hope you know, because I have not a clue.

Sometimes I think the key to life is pretending, really hard, that you know the end of the phrase. Er the metaphorical phrase that is. Actually, if you're me, there is also a lot of pretending to know the end of literal phrases. I'm sort of lacking in that department.

For example, I am not....
The sharpest tool in the....shed? toolbox? scene shop?
The brightest bulb in the... shed? chandelier? hardware store? house?
The brightest crayon in the... kindergarten classroom? box? child's mouth?
Or could we even go with the sharpest crayon?

Or, take for instance the time I tried to have a serious conversation with my mom about my future:
Me: It's just, I keep waiting for the other foot to drop.
Mom: The what?
Me: The other foot to come down?
Mom: That's not a phrase.
My Sister: Yeah, Alex, that's a weird phrase.
Me: Wait, I'll wikipedia it...see! Waiting for the other shoe to drop!
Mom: Well that's completely different.
Me: No it's not, it's like you see one foot, or shoe, and you know that there are two feet so you are waiting for the other one to come step on you.
My sister: That's weird.
Mom: Yeah, it makes no sense.

And Brady's favorite phrase that I apparently made up:
"Oh, don't wait dinner for me." or "I'll wait dinner for you."

Regionalisms or just me being weird? The world may never know.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep so that I can be the sharpest saw on the construction site tomorrow. Or maybe the heaviest concrete block in the pool?

Introspective blabber

Do you ever have days where you completely question everything about your life? Days where you wonder what it is you've been waiting for? Days where you realize that your whole life is about waiting for things to be the way you want them? Do you ever think, on days like those, that maybe life is too short to be waiting around for things to fall into place? Maybe things never will fall into place the way you think they will. Maybe you are waiting for people to catch up to you, and they never will.

On these kinds of days does it break your heart to think that it might be the people and the circumstances of your life that are making you sad. Maybe it's the people and things you love the most that are keeping you from achieving your dreams?

Not that I'm feeling that way or anything. I just wanted to know if you had ever felt that way. You know, out of curiosity. Informal poll kind of thing......

On July 20, 2006, I wrote in my journal:
Does anything really change? Do we always remain the same? Will I spend my whole life feeling like I am finally on the brink of something, never really discovering what it is that I am on the brink of? I feel like change, self recognition, something, is just around the corner, just out of my reach.

It terrifies me to know that I still feel exactly the same way.

I'm sorry for the introspective post tonight. I just feel like I was going somewhere and I could see it, clearly in front of me. I had a map. And then someone told me I had the map upside down and took it away from me. So now I'm forced to face the fact that my path has been wrong from the start and I don't even have a map to lean on.

How long can we wait for others to see the same map we do? How long before you admit that they've been using a different map the whole time, hoping that you'll notice and switch to their path? When do we accept that people can only see their own map, and that it's wrong to try and change their view, even if we think our destination is better?

I think I'll put this overused map metaphor to bed now and get some sleep. I know things will be brighter tomorrow. And hopefully my post will be too.

There is a season

I've been bad about posting lately. I know. I have no good excuse, I just have been lazy. In every sense of the word. Physically lazy and mentally lazy. I've been giving all of my good energy to work, and all that's left of me is a sleepy hull of a person.

I won't be like this for too much longer. My huge event that I am planning will be over after May 15th. So only two more weeks of lazy Alex.

In non-lazy news, my mother and I planted pretty flowers today. Flowers that we will most likely kill. But we're thinking positive. As we left the store with our cart full of plants my mom looked down and said "This looks like a cart full of death to me."

My boss bought me a plant (a money tree) a few months ago to thank me for my great work (I know, she's awesome). At first it grew so well. Then, one of the stalks got root rot. I'm familiar with the disease because I lose a lot of plants to root rot. I removed the infected stalk and continued to love and pamper the remaining tree. Last week another stalk went down. Most money trees have 5 stalks (mini trees?), braided together. Mine has 3 left and it looks anemic. My boss looked at the tree and said, "Wow. This plant is dying. You really do have a black thumb."

Poor tree. I'm a killer. The black death of horticulture.

That's what it used to look like. Sigh. Anyway, mom and I are hopeful about the new plants. We only bought plants labeled "hardy" and "drought resistant."

I really need one that says "plant killer resistant" but I don't think they make those yet.

That's all from me.

Polka Dot Madness

I'm getting sick of the polka dots on my blog. They are starting to mock me with their symmetrical multicolored roundness. They say, "I am cute and bubbly, and you are tired and cranky. Hehehehehehehehe!"

That was either a giggle or maniacal laughter. Take your pick.

Don't get me wrong, I like polka dots a lot. But something about staring at them for long periods of time makes it hard to read straight. And yes, I look at my own blog for long periods of time. What. I'm cool and narcissistic.

I honestly have nothing to say. I've started five different sentences, and deleted them all. I know, me, speechless? Whaaaaat?

I guess I just have a lot on my mind that isn't good blog fodder? Or maybe it would be great fodder if this were a melodramatic blog that delved into my emo feelings. But I sort of try not to be like that.

In other news, do you know how many people are active on facebook right now? I posted a link to something about 15 minutes ago and there have been 5 comments so far. That's crazy to me. Crazy good.

I posted twice yesterday, so tonight, I'm going to bed.

Ok, more

I wasn't going to post again tonight, but I felt compelled.

I'm sitting in my room, it's past my bedtime and I'm listening to itunes and reading about Zachary Levi (he plays Chuck). I just spent 3 hours watching TV online. I'm waiting for Brady to get finished being a DD so he can give me a call. Is it just me, or is this a total flashback to college? I mean, except the Zach Levi part. In college I would have been reading about someone else (like my British lover... Robin Hood).

But there is something about being up too late, letting itunes take you where it wants to, that reminds me of college. Or maybe it's just reminiscent of being on my own (physically if not financially), in my apartment, not worrying about waking anyone else up or about what tomorrow might bring.

It could just be that itunes chose to take me through a medley of college favorites. It's nice though. I feel like a weight has been lifted for now, like the commute tomorrow will be fun. Er, and now back to that Chuck quiz I was taking...

Confessions

I lost 2 pounds this week! I am only 6 pounds away from my Nutella crepe! Huzzah!

Confession #1: I only lost weight because I have been sick and completely stopped eating for a few days.

Confession #2: Sadly, the meals I did eat were really bad for me. I have no self control.

Confession #3: You don't want to know the details of my illness. They are gross. And slimy. And the whole thing was awful. Although, not like throwing up awful. More like sore throat awful. But that's why I didn't post last week.

Confession #4: I have more than $100 in credit card debt (I'll just let you judge how much more... but, a hint...it's a lot more than that) and yet all I want in life is this. Oh macbook pro. I love you. I really do.

Confession #5: I am cutting this blog post short so that I can go watch last weeks Biggest Loser.

Confession #6: CHUCK IS BACK! I watched my first live broadcast of Chuck tonight. The commercials were annoying, but oh Chuck. How I love you. I guess the confession part is that I looked forward to Chuck all day. Er, well actually all weekend. (OK, I've been looking forward to it for 2 weeks. Are you happy now?!)

Ok, I'm off to watch TV...on my computer.

Crepes and Blogs

Ok, so I lost 1 pound this week. I felt really good about this. When I lose 8 more, I will feel like progress has been made. I will also treat myself to a nutella crepe, which is one of those things I dream about. They say (they meaning weight watchers) that you should not reward yourself with food, as it is detrimental to the whole weight loss mindset. Ideally you should never feel deprived and therefore you never need to splurge because you are in control. Honestly, what other rewards are there besides food? Food is my one passion, my one joy. And its the only thing I really want that I am currently denying myself. So I'm going to try food as reward and see if that truly does derail my efforts.

Also, I tried to change the look of my blog and failed. Something is wrong with the formatting and I ended up deleting a picture. One day, I will figure it out. In the meantime, I'm sad I lost the picture. I will try to put it back up, so maybe by the time you read this it will be back. I hope so. Then you'll never know anything went wrong. Except that I'm telling you now.

Anyway, that's really all I have to say tonight. Crepes and failed blog updates. Happy Monday.

I'm Back!

I'm Back!!

I'm sorry about my very long break. It turned out that I had absolutely no internet or phone or any type of modern communication up in Sea Ranch. But, it is true that I came back from Sea Ranch a whole week ago. What have I been doing since then, you may ask.

I've been watching Chuck. Nonstop. For days. I had no time to blog because I was catching up on three seasons of awesomeness. The real question is, how did it take me so long to become hooked? While I was busy watching all these other less worthy shows, Chuck was playing every Monday night, unwatched by me. Some of the less worthy shows I watched have already come and gone (Journeyman anyone? Moonlight?) and yet, I never thought, "Ooh I should watch that new show Chuck.." And now I'm practically obsessed. (I feel like I am the intersect of Chuck...and you will only really get that if you watch the show...which you should!)

I promise NBC isn't secretly paying me to promote Chuck (although, if you want to NBC, I will totally be down with that. I would love to be paid to share my love of Chuck. Unless you make the show suck.) I do think you should watch it though. Rent it today. Fall in love with Chuck. Or Sarah if you love girls. (Actually, I'm sort of in love with Sarah. She makes me want to work out. After watching the pilot episode, in which she is shown TWICE in her underwear, both times unbearably fit and gorgeous, I was ready to diet hardcore. I dream of looking like her. And if I ever decide to date girls, she will be why.)

Ok, so anyway. Now I have confessed both my obsessive personality and my crazy girl crush. I'm so cool tonight. Aren't you glad I'm back?

As far as my goals go, I gained 3 pounds in Sea Ranch (sexy...nope) and wrote 10 pages (I think, maybe more). I think I broke even.

And Brady got a job! He's beat out hundreds of applicants for a host position and there is a strong possibility of promotion soon. I'm very proud of him and cannot say anything sarcastic or witty about it because I am just happy. And now he can take me out to dinner again! Yay! Money is awesome.

Anyway, the real point of this post is that I am caught up on Chuck episodes now and I am back. I'll be updating daily-ish again and I know you're all ecstatic.

That's all for me tonight. Talk to you tomorrow.

Zombies from the third BART car!

Oh my gosh I am so tired!

Work has been sort of crazy insane in a way that makes me want to die and write strange delirious emails to my boyfriend at 11:16. (Sorry Brady...I thought it was so funny when I was writing it...)

I know you are thinking, I'm sure you didn't really send strange delirious emails to Brady. But I did. Just now I sent him a series of "creative" cover letters. Although now that I think about it, they may have been genius cover letters that will totally get him any job he wants. Yeeeaaahhh...lets go with that.

Seriously though, my day began with a sprint to the BART train, followed by a sort of pathetic walk of shame down the train to find an empty seat in a less crowded car. For some reason there was a school group on BART and they had taken all the empty seats. Honestly though I wouldn't have made the train if they hadn't been so slow getting on the train, thus holding up the doors, so thanks schoolkids!

You really have to imagine, I was sweating, red faced, gasping for air and wearing a weird baggy ensemble that screamed bag lady (this is what happens when I try to dress up). I tried weakly to pull the sweaty strands of hair off my face and I staggered haphazardly (the train started moving, I wasn't drunk or anything...I can usually manage to walk...usually) through a group of fresh faced teenage boys. I tried to speak, to say excuse me, but my voice wouldn't come out because I was still gasping for air. Finally the teacher said "Let the lady through guys." My weird grimace-y smile was a feeble creepy thank you. The boys parted and I walked through....the sweaty zombie lady. (My mom is the one who came up with that name after hearing the story. I was going with out of shape bag lady.)

Soooo on my vacation I plan to practice my sprints. The goal...to not look like a crazy lady every day of my life. Yeah yeah Brady...I can hear you now...heh, but Alex, then you wouldn't look like you.

Welcome to my world folks.

My Life as an East Bay Refugee

This morning I woke up early to go to the dentist. This is important to my story because they numbed my mouth and I spent all morning with a sort of droopy lip that made me feel particularly unattractive. Also my mouth hurt and I was tired because I woke up at 6:45 to make it to my 8:00 appointment. Ok, here's the story:

After my appointment, I get on the BART train as usual. Everything seems fine. I drift off to sleep in my little corner of the train. And then the conductor (operator?) starts talking about delays. That isn't unusual for BART so I stay asleep. But then he starts talking about a fire on the tracks and I figure I should maybe be more aware than I usually am.

"This train is being told to turn around," the operator says. "Please exit the train at the next station and take the next train to San Francisco. There will be a train waiting for you on the other side of the station." Obediently the passengers exit the train and we walk across to the waiting train. But when we get on, we are met with a screeching voice "FREEMONT TRAIN! THIS IS NOT THE SAN FRANCISCO TRAIN." Meekly we file out of the train we just entered and back on to the windy platform. I recognize some faces on the platform. Fellow North Concord station people who have been riding with me all the way. We smile weakly as the time ticks by.

Finally a real San Francisco bound train arrives and we gratefull huddle on, grasping our laptop bags and work materials. This new train has one less car than the one we left and there are already people sitting on it, so we scramble for seats. The train moves slowly and the operator again speaks of delays. I settle down and try to sleep again.

"This train is being told to turn around," the operator says. "Please exit at the next station and wait for the next train." Instead of groans and grumbles and infectious giggle begins. No one can believe that this can be happening. I catch the eyes of my fellow North Concordians. We know the drill. We've been on the train for more than an hour now. We shuffle off onto another blustery platform, this one more crowded than the last. We clutch our belongings to us, afraid to lose something in the shuffle. A train arrives, this one shorter than the last and already packed with people. It's like musical chairs for tired angry adults. We push in as many people as we can, but some are left behind in West Oakland. We watch them on the platform as we depart, glad that we made it this time.

"This train is being told to turn around," the operator says. "Please exit at the next station. If you are going farther than the next station..." And in the long silence that follows that statement a man on the train says "You're on your own." In fact we are instructed to once again wait for the next train. I am just two stations from my stop, but the train will go no farther. We flood out on to the platform, tired, ragged, giddy with exhaustion. I catch the eye of a woman who has been with me since North Concord and say "Maybe I should just walk to work." But I don't. I wait and get on to my last train of the day. My fellow refugees and I are tired. We were forced off of our home train, given the leftover seats of other BART lines, left to stand in an overcrowded car. We had been traveling for 2 hours and 20 minutes.

It turns out someone set fire to a controller box or something, thus destroying all chances of me getting to work on time. Now see here you BART destroyer, you. You ruined my morning. So I hope you feel great guilt for what you've done. I hope you too feel my pain. I hope you think twice before you set fire to BART property again!

I'm glad to be home. I'm glad to be in bed and listening to my cat snore. I'm glad I have a day off tomorrow.

Goodnight all. That post was too long. Sorry about that.

One step forward, two steps back

Well I gained .9 pounds this week, I have no money (my bank tells me my net worth is in the negatives) and I have a pile of dirty laundry that is so big it can no longer be contained by my closet doors.

And my grandmother is in town.

Have any of you tried to lose weight when your German grandmother is in town? She doesn't understand what it means to not use butter. She has no intention of letting you eat light. She's making lasagna right now.

I have to admit I'm feeling sort of down. I wanted to use this blog to track my little successes but today I have to confess that I went out to eat last night, charged it on my credit card and ate without restraint. I guess I just can't muster up any self control at all. What do you do when you are fat and broke and your commute is so long it makes you want to die?

Honestly, I'm just really hoping my boyfriend makes it big as an actor.

But this Wednesday is Ceasar Chavez day and I get the day off! And next week I am off to the soothing sands of Sea Ranch. So there is light coming.

As a side note: I may not have internet up in Sea Ranch so I'll do lots of updating this week so you won't feel deprived next week when I may or may not post.

I'm off to battle that lasagna. It's so going to kick my butt.

Wait, that was an alarm?

I think this conversation sort of sums up my day:

Me: Brady, I woke up late today. I didn't get up until 8:30. I couldn't take a shower and now I feel dirty.

Brady: Wow.

Me: I have to catch a train at 8:53.

Brady: Did you make it?

Me: Barely. I think something is wrong with my alarm. It stopped going off this morning. Which is why I woke up at 8:30 instead of 7:15.

Brady: Really?

Me: Yeah, I mean after I hit snooze 4 times, it just stopped going off.

Brady: Wow that's awful...wait, you hit snooze 4 times?

The moral of this story? There could be many. One of them could be that I should get my lazy butt out of bed and stop hitting snooze. Another moral might be that when asking for sympathy, I should leave out a few details to make my plight more pathetic.

But the real moral, the one I'm taking from the encounter: Alarm clocks should go off forever, no matter how many times you hit snooze. My alarm clock has failed me.

(The alarm clock in question. Maybe it just boycotted because it's so dusty...)

Brady advised that I test out my alarm clock some time when I wasn't trying to wake up, but I'm kind of sleepy and that would take lots of time (because I would have to snooze it 4 times). Instead I am going to just take my chances. But I will be showering tomorrow, even if I wake up late. Everyone in the office is on vacation anyway. Except me.

Until tomorrow gentle readers. Until tomorrow.

P.S. If you were wondering what that fuzzy thing is in the upper left hand corner of the photo, that's a stuffed hedgehog. A giant one. What, you don't have one of these in your room? Maybe you should.

Toothpaste and beer

I lost 1.5 pounds this week. This means that I have defied all the laws of nature. I ate terribly, did not follow the food plan (not to mention not following my monthly budget) and I did no exercise. I feel great about this and I hope I can keep up the "do nothing and lose weight" plan. I have already been putting that plan to the test by eating Nation's grilled cheese last night and a nice hearty plate of german food and beer this evening.

However, since I am not betting on that as a successful diet plan I'm going to try and be better this week...from now on...

So, I'm pretty tired. I forgot to brush my teeth this morning (ewwwww grooooosss!) and didn't realize it until I was already at the BART station. At that point all I could do was dig out some old looking gum and chew vigorously. I finally brushed my teeth like an hour ago and they were so happy! I didn't know teeth could feel happy, but they can.

Then I went to wash my face and was just about to start soaping up when I realized I had uncapped the toothpaste and was trying to squeeze it into my hand. So my day sort of came full circle I guess. It began with too little toothpaste and ended with too much.

Technical Difficulties

So, due to some technical difficulties I will not be posting pictures of my ballgown tonight. And by technical difficulties I mean that I do not look skinny enough in it today to post my chubby tummy all over the internet. And I also can't find a picture of a skinny model type wearing it online. So later this week, I'll come up with something.

And thanks for all the comments! I love comments, they make me happy. And I got lots of comments about ballgowns, so yay!

I had a very sedentary weekend again, but that's really just the kind of weekend I like. I went and saw the annual musical at my old high school which was very fun. This year they put on a production of Titanic: the Musical and it was very good, but everyone drowned. Again. They always drown. Still it's nice to know that my old trusty high school choir department is still putting on spectacular big budget shows. The set actually tilted to make it look like a sinking ship...awesome.

And today Brady and I gave each other pedicures...without the polish part. So we gave each other foot massages? It was nice, I liked it. Although I won't lie, I do love me a pedicure at a fancy spa where they have the nice music playing and the scented water and hot towels. Brady and I sang unique renditions of Enya songs and ended up spilling water everywhere, so it was ever so slightly less soothing than Lavande. Although, we really should take our Enya impersonations on the road. If only we knew any of the words....

Oh la la, oh la la let the orinocco flow...lala sail lalalaaaa lala crash upon your shore...hey... hey!

Our best was Rains in Africa which went something like "Ahhhhahhhhahhahaaaaaaa la la ooh ey ohhhhh."

Mmm, the soothing sounds of Enya.

I'm not ready for it to be Monday yet! More weekend!!

That's all for me.

Women's Undergarments and food addiction...my life in Chick Lit

Well, summer must be on it's way because I am officially too hot right now. And like two days ago I was freezing my butt off. What is happening to the weather? What will the weather be tomorrow? I just don't know. I'll have to check weather.com in a bit.

I can't really think of much to say tonight. I really should write earlier so I am not so sleepy when it comes time to write. By the time I sit down to type up my post I have forgotten all the very witty things I was going to say and am thinking only of how nice it will be when I close my eyes and sleep. And yet, I still end up going to bed too late every night. You would think I would learn.

I did in fact buy a ballgown the other day. It's beautiful and I feel stunning in it. And I will need to either lose a lot of weight and get very firm between now and May 15 OR I need to buy a great pair of Spanx. I think we all know which option it's going to be.

The dress was not as cheap as I might have hoped. But it was totally within my monthly budget. The shirt and necklace I bought on that same shopping spree were not in my budget. Nor were the books that I just had to buy while I was out. And of course I came home yesterday to $300 worth of car expenses. Ah yes, destitute again. At least I have a home. And a credit card. Which I am not using because I have to pay it down. But you know, just in case an emergency comes up. (Would this be a bad time to mention that I consider wanting to go out to dinner an emergency? Seriously, this is why I am chubby and broke. Seriously.)

Sometimes I look at my life and I realize that despite all my efforts to be a grown up mature person, I am actually just a weird conglomerate of every chick lit character I have ever read. I'm like Bridget Jones meets Becky Bloomwood meets Jemima J. I'm awkward, addicted to spending money and addicted to food. YES!

I just wish my boyfriend were a combination of all the very rich men that those women meet. It's such a me thing to miss the "attractive to rich single men" part of the equation.

In all seriousness though, my boyfriend is like all those fantastic romantic men in the books, only he makes fun of me more and does not live in a posh London house. Which, while a major downfall, can be overlooked since he makes me laugh.

And now, I will cease my rambles and bid you all goodnight.

It's too late to be up...or is it?

Happy Monday! I know that technically it's Tuesday, but only if we adhere to that Daylight Savings Time thing. Which I don't.

Ok, I do, but only because my boss, who is very understanding and sweet would be less understanding and sweet if I was an hour late to work every day. Especially since I would insist on adhering to Daylight Savings Time at the end of the day when it was time to go home. Which would mean I was working too few hours.

Why do I keep capitalizing Daylight Savings Time? Do I perhaps both love and hate it? Does it hold strange power over me even as I fight its terrible time stealing effects? Is it's power so complete that it becomes a formal noun?

And more importantly, are we even in Daylight Savings Time? Or is Daylight Savings Time enacted when we fall back? When is the daylight being saved? Why can't I have my hour back?

The only plus side to Daylight Savings Time is coming home while it is still light out. I may have previously mentioned (like 8 times) that awful long commute thing that forced me to come home in the dark so that I felt like I had lost my whole evening on a BART train. Today I came home to full sunlight. It made me feel like I had left work early. It made me want to do things with my night. Like go to Barnes and Noble and spend lots of money I don't have! Yay!

Oh Daylight Savings Time....leading me down an evil path of blatant consumerism...you crafty dictator.

Anyway, since it's Monday, the official weigh in says....that I am down 1.3 pounds. Success! Will be mine! At Last!

I just read a blog post that said readers have short attention spans and they like pictures. The blog also suggested posting pictures of my ass to encourage new readership. I don't want to do that, especially since this is a blog that partially focuses on my weight loss efforts (and failures) so my bottom would be... unappealing. I will however end this post now to appease your short attention spans (although if you read my blog, it can't be that short) and leave you with this picture. I expect you to recruit new followers now since I am pandering to the whims of the masses.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm not like Daylight Savings Time. I would never try to force your compliance. Or make you recruit. Or steal your precious hour of sleep.

This picture does not show my bottom in any way shape or form. It does show you how I am awkward. And illustrates how I feel after eating too much at Disneyland. And yes, I'm stuck in that giant letter. And no, my feet are not touching the ground. And yes, Brady did have to help me out. And yes, that's how Brady and I spent our anniversary. I know, you wish you were me.

When life throws you ballgowns

So, it's 10:00 am on a Saturday morning and I feel wide awake. I'm afraid this means that my body is now used to waking up early because suddenly 9:30 am feels obscenely late. When I woke up I thought, oh man, I must have slept until like 12:00. And in the past 12:00 was the obscenely late cutoff.

But here I am wide awake on a Saturday. Brady is fast asleep in bed and I have his fancy gaming computer all to myself. It's nice. I have the whole day ahead of me. Heck it's 10:00 am and I'm already blogging. What else might this day bring?

But to tell you the truth, probably not much. I have run out of money and I don't get paid until Monday. So...I don't see much happening besides sitting at home sort of comatose watching TV. Maybe craigslisting some apartments on Solano Ave so I can remember what I'm working towards. And while I have Brady's computer, I might play the Sims which is my obsession and the only video game I get crazy about. I wish my computer could still run the Sims 2. WHYYYY!?

Speaking of money, I need to buy a ballgown for work. And do my taxes. I made my budget and I tried to take both of these into account. It turns out that it is not possible for me to pay down as much of my credit card as I would like, and pay my taxes and buy a ballgown. Honestly, how are you supposed to budget in a ballgown? And I kind of need a haircut. And you know, it really becomes clear why you have credit card debt when you try to budget, doesn't it. Like no wonder you can't keep it all within your monthly pay. When life throws you ballgowns...make credit cards.

Anyway, I'm afraid my dream of moving out will be delayed on account of my decadent lifestyle. Sigh, what a world.

Anyway, its sad to end this post on that note, even though I don't feel sad. So I'll just say that I am off to play the sims 3 right now (which is my opinion is a sub par game compared to the sims 2, but I'm giving it another chance this morning) and my sims are going to rock. So there. And they aren't going to have any money problems!

That is all.

Few and far between

Well, my posts this week have been few and far between. Its not that I'm busy...it's just that I am exhausted.

Even now I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say because my mind is just, basically shutting down for the night.

I love my job, but this week was tough. And so was last week. I must be hitting that 4 month slump at which point the newness of the job has worn off, but you still don't really feel like you know what you are doing yet so you are trying to convince everyone you know exactly what you are doing because you aren't "new" anymore. Only by trying so hard to impress everyone, you've managed to put way too much pressure on yourself. And you would hate to ask a question that might make it look like you don't know what you are doing because that would ruin the illusion you have created. And just for a minute each day your old job sounds nice again just because you knew what you were doing. You know, that place? That's where I am.

In other news, I figured out that if I don't spend money on anything besides essentials, I can pay my credit card off in 4 months! This would be easier if I could decide what was and was not essential in my life. Is eating out essential? What about theatre?

In any case, 4 months seems like really far away, but I bet it will sneak up on me, like the months are wont to do. (That's a weird phrase...wont to do....I really like it, but where did such a phrase come from...?)

For now I'm going to go brush my teeth, because I sense that I may fall asleep quickly and without warning and I would hate to go to bed with dirty teeth.

Not so bad

After all the hype, I failed to post the results of the weigh in of DOOM. Although honestly, it wasn't a doom weigh in. I'm only up .3 pounds.

I've been really eating well so far this week! (I know, I know, it's only been two days so far, but I need to take my successes where I can get them) I feel so much better about myself when I eat well and actually think about what I am going to eat each day before I eat it. I've always sort of been a planner anyway, but there is something so satisfying about planning out meals. It's so relaxing to count up the calories and figure out how bad something is for you long before you eat it.

Brady and I went shopping and we were calculating Weight Watchers points in the grocery store and choosing bread (which was really challenging actually) and he was helping me plan all my meals for today and it was just so nice. Like, this is what grown-ups do. This is what it would be like to be in control of my life and living the life I want to lead. Happy. Contented. Well planned. Because happiness is planning your meals in the middle of Safeway with your boyfriend.

Alright maybe I was also imagining how nice it would be to live in an apartment with Brady closer to work where we planned out meals and lived a life that didn't involve all that commuting. Maybe that's also what made me happy. Also maybe I was thinking we might have a dog in that world. The world where we plan meals and live close to work.

I realize this blog has been sort of food/weight loss heavy lately. I swear, I'm trying not be weight obsessed. It's just that when you are on a diet, all you think about is food. Even when you are thinking about being good you are thinking about all the good healthy foods you will be eating. And when you are hungry you are just thinking about all the bad foods you wish you could have. And when you read your friends' food blogs you think, why, why are you tempting me with that tomato cream sauce monstrosity that I would eat right now no questions asked.

So anyway, I'll try to write about other things from now on. Things that aren't weight related. I can't promise to not talk about food, because I love food. That's what got me in trouble in the first place.

Tomorrow, I plan to make some time to work on my book again. Then real life progress can be made. I can feel like I'm successful again. I can't wait for that.

This is me, signing off.